It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
You're listening to locally produced programming created in KU NBC Studios on public radio K, u and v 91.5. You're listening to special programming brought to you by it's where I am.com The content of this program does not reflect the views or opinions of 91.5 jobs and more University of Nevada, Las Vegas, or the Board of Regents and the Nevada System of Higher Education.

Zandra Polard 0:50
Good morning, Las Vegas, it's Zondra polearm. It's where I am. Welcome to the show. Thank you for tuning in on wonderful 91.5 Jazz and more. Today, we're talking about a very serious topic. And that is domestic violence. It is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And we want to make sure that we are sharing information that can be helpful to those who need it. And we are welcoming back, Louisa Eiler. She's a psychotherapist, and he's very familiar with domestic violence. And she has a personal testimony, I believe she'd like to share. And then we'll go on to give some information on how to get help out here in Nevada. Welcome, Louisa having

Unknown Speaker 1:48
me. Yes. Thank you for having me.

Zandra Polard 1:51
Once again, I love having you on the show. You're great. You know so much about so many things.

Unknown Speaker 2:00
Yeah, and I think that self disclosure is something that as women, we have to learn how to deal with because, you know, there's some times the situation where people overshare and then there's other times being very delicate, and knowing when telling your story and sharing your story might be that inspiration that can help someone else. Absolutely. And now I like to say there's a there's a point in a woman's life, when you go from surviving, to thriving and, and that, that time in your life when you can, at a future time, look back and see how far you've come. You know, that's the reason I share my story now in hopes that someone listening, you know, will know that in their situation. They're the experts. And no one can tell them when it's the right time to leave or when it's the right time to take the next steps. But just to share my own experience and how it not only shaped my life, but then it's allowed me to give back in other ways and really defined my career in terms of what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Zandra Polard 3:06
Yes, yes. So Louisa, just a little backstory, Luisa was on last week, if you missed the show, you can find it on it's where I am.com or any major podcast platform. So on the show last week, you shared a domestic you kind of touched on domestic violence a little bit. And so I asked you to come back on because of the Awareness Month. And also because you did have a personal testimony. Would you like to share a piece of that with us?

Unknown Speaker 3:40
Yeah, I'd be happy to, you know, my son was two months old, he was a newborn, and I was only 25 years old. And I was living in South Carolina. And I say that because my majority of my family was in Pennsylvania. So I was many hours from people who were very close to me. And so there I was with a two month old baby. My son was born on November 1. And it was the night before Super Bowl Sunday, and we were supposed to have a big party the next day. And through a series of events. My son's father didn't come home. And then I found this with other women and he came home and he was drunk. And you know, he started in on me about you know, why am I waiting up and why am I not taking care of the baby and one thing led to another and in the heat of our argument, I must have said a word that triggered him and he snapped and kind of went into this whole different beast modality and you know, began beating me till I was you know, cowered in a corner with a fractured cheekbone, the police had to be called and realized had to be called. And there I was with this newborn baby, two months old and figuring out Jeez, what am I going to do? So, you know, I had to call people who weren't necessarily very close friends or they were just basically people I knew from my business rolled. And in fact, the family that watched my little two month old baby why, like, sought medical attention and went to the hospital. They were actually the people who owned the mailboxes, except for our location, you know, had to call early on Sunday morning and say, I need some help. I know you have a good family, and I know you have children of your own, and could you watch my son for, you know, I don't know how long until I get released from the hospital, because what would have happened, because it was really scary in that time is that, you know, had I not had one person to call, my son would have went into like, the custody system, you know, they would have had to get temporary foster care and emergency care and things like that. So it was really important, you know, to kind of kind of be able to have the courage to reach out because at first I didn't want to tell anyone, right, you know, and then you're going through the whole hospital day, and you're telling the story, you have to tell your story over and over again. And then even when you leave the hospital, you still didn't have to do these police reports and all these other things. And what was interesting about my particular case was that the severity of my injuries were so great that the police actually pressed the charges for me, like, it would no longer up to me whether charges needed to be filed. Because they they labeled it as criminal domestic violence of behind aggravated nature. And from there, you know, I took the steps to, you know, gather my belongings, hire a moving truck, and I had the resources to do that. And then I moved into a separate apartment. And, you know, had to go through a series of things, but from the time the incident happened until I could get an apartment, you know, I had a window of time where I had to figure out where I was going to stay. And while I could have stayed with the family that was watching my son, my face was so black and blue. I felt like it was traumatic for the children, the other children to see it gladly, people were asking questions. And in fact, a couple of days later, we immediately that night, then I use the victims advocate resources from the local police department, and they were able to get me a room and a women and family shelter. And so there was my son, me in this in this women's shelter. But what was really good about the women's shelter is there, I met these women who some of them were so in dire straits or impoverished conditions, you know, in impoverished conditions that they didn't even have a quarter to make call on a payphone. Now keep in mind, I'm in my I'm in my late 40s. And so, you know, 28 years ago, like, you know, the world was a different place in terms of accessibility and cell phones, and like how much that cost and things like that. And just seeing, you know, how broke and some of these women were, you know, that didn't have the resources to move their belongings out. And then learning that there was this whole other world out there of advocacy and support groups and shelters that if you're brave enough to get curious about what might be out there to help you, you can start Googling things and calling the victims advocacy from your non emergent numbers at police departments and calling the 800 numbers and you'd be really surprised what you can find out because there are services out there. And even if some places are full, you have to keep looking. And in my story, what was beautiful about it is when I was in that woman's shelter, we had to go to these classes and you know, the healing things and parenting classes and things like that to make sure that we were okay. And the one woman when she was teaching the class. I was just like I raised my hand. I'm like, What's your title? What's your career? Like? What do you do? And she was like, Well, I'm a social worker. And from that moment forward, I devoted my life to becoming a social worker to calling my old professor to getting into grad school. And my one professor, I had my one of my older professors, I had such a good relationship with her. Back when I was a student, I called and told her my situation, and she said, let me make a few calls. And apparently in her life, a number of years ago, she had been a victim of domestic violence. And she knew that if I could get a graduate assistant job at the university in the office for sexual health and violence prevention, it would help me work through my own trauma, because I would be immediately helping others and I would move from that victim mentality to Hey, like, you can do this. And so I ended up getting into grad school on a late admission because I had a decent GPA, my undergrad, and I got an internship and the graduate paid position at the office for special health and violence prevention, where I became the sheriff here coordinator, and then I helped respond to incidents of injury from that partner, and another partner about violence on the University of South Carolina Campus, which is a very big school. And so, you know, then me being in my mid 20s, being able to help young first time college students ages 18 You know, an up to deal with living away from their parents for the first time and, and really being able to deliver this educational program to these 30 Some 1000 students over the next two years with my graduate program It gave me such an immersion into the depths of violence and despair and upbringing that other people had that was different from mine. It just, yes, it's gonna take gave me this lens, this different lenses see the world, you know, many people always ask me GasBuddy so like for your age and for the life that you've lived, how have you experienced so many things in those years at the university when I was meeting, you know, 15, you know, 15 women a day, interviewing them seeing what's happening in their life, and then that over a 1010 plus year, you know, social work career, that exposure really helps you understand the full depth of things that people experience. And it's not only women, it's men too. And let's just get the facts straight. I mean, the national statistics, now I'm speaking for the US here and other parts of the world, it's a little bit different. And my heart goes out to all of the the things that are happening, you know, overseas right now, but the national statistics for the US are one in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence.

Zandra Polard 11:11
Yeah, and, you know, I noticed a, like a trend, there was a representative here a few months ago from safe nest, which is the largest domestic violence agency in Nevada. And we were discussing, like, some of the common trends, which is, you know, usually you're not around your family, right? You are secluded from them, and it's just you and the partner. It because then you don't have that support, then there's the financial peace, right? Usually women, or men or whoever is dealing with the domestic violence. They're not working, or they're not making very much to be able to take care of themselves. And so they feel like, sometimes they need to stay. Because what are they going to do if they leave? Right? So one of the great things about safeness out here is that they help they help support people by not only giving them shelter, but also training them in the workforce. And the you know, they have resources to help people get, you know, jobs and things like that. They also help protect children and their pets. So I thought that was interesting, you know, they take on the pets too, because their family. And so I just really wanted to make sure that during this month, I gave a huge shout out to safe nest, and to let everyone in the Nevada area in the state of Nevada know, that safe nest is a wonderful resource for you. Okay.

Unknown Speaker 12:59
Oh, absolutely. Groups like that are invaluable, because they have the direct connects by by zip code and by region, and they can help you navigate to the places that are closest to you. While the national numbers are also great, and they will get you there, having those local, you know, home based programs that are organizations that know people in the community and can help get you connected to peers and mentors and REITs and cell phones. And if you needed to get infiltrated into the areas that can even help you change your name, if you need that level of safety. All of that stuff is a possibility.

Zandra Polard 13:35
Yes, because the whole point is to protect and empower, right?

Unknown Speaker 13:40
Absolutely. Absolutely. A lot of people ask me as a therapist, you know, like, what are things that you can do if you know someone who has experienced domestic violence, because everybody wants to help? And everybody thinks that they know what's best for someone else? Yes, absolutely. What you have to keep in mind, that person is what's best for themselves. And what you don't want to do is put yourself also in the danger of someone who has a very abusive or violent or dangerous partner. Because, you know, we see this all the time where one woman or one person tries to help another individual and then both persons end up injured or hurt or worse. Yes, you know, and that's something that you really have to consider is, you know, number one thing to do always in any domestic violence or intimate partner violence situation, is to take the situation seriously and really prioritize safety. You know, that immediate concern is the safety of the victim. So always, you know, if there's an immediate danger, you know, 911 is the best, best thing to do. I mean, police are trained for that. And the second thing is, it's really important to have some, somebody you can trust in your corner. You know, for some people that's their barber or their hairdresser, or their nail technician, you know, you know, find somebody you can trust that you have access to a lot of Times phone calls are monitored or, you know, people put tracking devices on people in, in some of these very severe cases. So it's, you know, start to think about, you know, who you can trust. And you know, if you're in a situation, what you really want to try to do is be building this support system, that kind of discreet so that when you decide it's your time to leave, you have this people in place that you trust that you know, your next step, you don't have to, you don't have to know where you're going to do the next five years of your life and how you're going to turn your life around, and what's going to happen even five days from now. But when is that time that you decide that you know, it's ready to leave, and that it's the time for you to make your move? You got to have those people in place. Because that that makes you empowered to know, I know what I'm going to do. I'm ready now.

Zandra Polard 15:44
You know, let me give some context information for those who are listening. So if you need to speak to someone, or you're worried about someone that you know, and you want to seek professional advice on what is maybe the next step safeness. They have a 24 hour hotline seven days a week, and the number is one 800 799. Safe. And that's 1-800-799-7233. Also, they have a live chat. And you can also text start to 88788. Also, their website is safe nest.org. Okay. So they'll be able to help you out with anything, if you feel that there's a question you need answered, or you're worried about your closest girlfriend or, or a relative, they'll be able to direct you the best way possible.

Unknown Speaker 16:48
Absolutely, so important. And, you know, for someone who might be listening, who says, you know, I'm not ready to make a move yet, like, I know, but I don't have anyone I can trust and you know, is there anything else that I can do while I'm in this situation, trying to figure out how to help myself? You know, I would say that one thing you can do is figure out a way to document the incidents that happened to you, because one of the things that in this power and control wheel that abusers do is they try to make you feel like you're going crazy, or that you're imagining things

Zandra Polard 17:17
like God, lighting, gas lighting.

Unknown Speaker 17:21
Yeah, they want to figure out how to keep a record of any of these incidents, it could be your, your own little way of doing it, it could be like on a node, it could be you know, something just some way that you know that this did happen, because the body, the body will remember that the mind might forget or the mind might get convoluted. And then you'll get to a place you know, sometimes you leave the situation and then life gets a little tough and then you think about going back. And then sometimes all it takes is you to look at that record that journal that you kept or that that incident log for your own well being that you kept. And it's that reminder of you didn't imagine it, it was real. And these are all the reasons that you need to keep moving forward in whatever is going to be next in your life.

Zandra Polard 18:04
Well, you know, I brought up gaslighting that really stuck out for me because I did not realize that was a form of emotional abuse. And rarely do we talk about that. So yeah, as you were saying, Go ahead.

Unknown Speaker 18:24
Oh, yeah, I was just saying gaslighting. You know, it's really psychological manipulation.

Zandra Polard 18:28
Yeah, I kind of touched on that and and so yeah, that's why I mentioned it. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 18:33
because what happens with gaslighting is often in close relationships, that one person seeks to make another person start to doubt their own perception or memory or reality. And the term gaslight actually comes from I think, I forget what year was a 1940s film where there was a husband who was manipulating his wife into believing she was going insane in action actually, in this in the original movie, he was denying the real gas lights in their home and denying it when she questioned it. But if you look at that new Julia Roberts movie, or that I think it's on Netflix, there's there's a new something out with Julia Roberts related to gaslighting and, you know, it really it shows how she had to start documenting things because, you know, he was using the entire system to start to discredit everything that she was saying, you know, because gaslighting tactics or denying or triple trivializing, you know, making someone think that they're making a big deal out of nothing right? And then also contradiction, another another. Another tactic of gaslighting is withholding information or keeping secrets or causing the victim to feel less in the darkness or like feeling anxious because they don't know what's next. Another one is projection. Maybe someone projects their own negative qualities onto the victim. You know someone's bullied they want the victim to feel that they're also a bully, or they want the victim to make themselves feel guilty or that the victim is the one responsible for all the problems in their relationship. And then again, trivializing feeling, you know, making the person feel that nothing that they feel is valuable or like their feelings have no meaning, or accusing someone for being overly sensitive. And then, again, that isolation of the victim, you know, gaslighter, always, in most circumstances, I guess I shouldn't say always, but they try to isolate people from kind of their friends or family only to serve their own need for controlling dependency.

Zandra Polard 20:27
Right. Wow. So much. And then what do you think about the abusers? What if they don't know that they're abusing? Like, how do they find out they're abusing? You know? Well,

Unknown Speaker 20:43
a lot of it is learned behavior. I mean, you dive deep into it, sometimes, they really aren't aware of it. And you know, that they are responsible for their actions, you know, not being aware of something doesn't mitigate the responsibility. And so, you know, it really, it comes from this need to understand where their own impulses and emotions get fed from, and sometimes it's anger, and then sometimes diving deeper, it's fear. And sometimes it's, it's having that need to have that dominance, it's always that need for power and control. And so it isn't until someone really have a positive experience with fairness and equity, that they understand that there can be shared power and there can be balanced in a relationship. And you can be kind and still be a leader, you can be kind, and still, you know, exercise, good judgment, or learn negotiation tactics that don't involve you hurting others to feel more empowered about yourself. So, you know, it's a lot of therapy and a lot of group counseling. One of the things that they found for this anger management, especially if it's male driven or male dominated, violence, is group therapy, in combination with individual therapy often works at a higher degree. Because when you have to face other men be countable in the presence of other males. It just makes you look at yourself differently, because it's that self esteem and that self confidence, because you want people to think of you a certain way.

Zandra Polard 22:21
You know, I wonder if they have, and maybe you can answer this, too. They have court mandated abuse groups. Like not for the victim, but for the abuser. Yes. Okay.

Unknown Speaker 22:40
Depending on the nature of the crime, and what jurisdiction you're in, and how severe it is, like if you were charged and face jail time, a lot of times. These court mandated anger management programs are often a part of the sentencing. And a part of the legal system ordered by a judge as part of a probation or part of a recovery program for somebody who might have been involved in a crime or anger or aggressive behavior played a role. And usually, the goal of these programs is really to help people manage their anger, improve emotional regulation. And really, here's the kicker, the real reason for this is they're trying in the system to reduce the likelihood of a future incident.

Zandra Polard 23:26
Wow. Well, I want to thank you so much for providing all of this information for giving us your personal testimony as well. And, well, it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month, y'all. Seek the help that you

Unknown Speaker 23:42
need, right and before you try to give someone a whole bunch of knowledge, get yourself informed. You know, if you find that you think someone is in a situation, learn to know the signs, seek information on your own before you start judging someone's life. Be very patient. And it's crucial to be supportive and non judgmental. When helping someone who's experienced domestic violence. Remember, the way they would solve their problem might not be the way you would solve it. Because otherwise, if you don't allow someone in a situation to kind of help sort out their own, you know, escape plan, so to speak, they may feel shame, fear or guilt for not listening to again, what you wanted them to do. You know, so just keep yourself informed as a friend and as an advocate, learn about it, learn about the dynamics, and try to learn available resources so that you can better support the victim. And when all else fails, just encourage self care encourage the person who might be experiencing any type of violence to prioritize their self and really just start to consider their own physical and emotional well being.

Zandra Polard 24:42
Great advice. Thank you, Louise Isler once again for coming on to the show. I want to thank everyone for tuning in to 91.5 Jazz and more. This is Andhra polearm. It's where I am. You know my social media handles are it's where I am LV Also, my website is it's where I am.com and I'll be here next week. I'm here every Saturday at 7:30am. Next week, we will be talking about breast cancer awareness. So hope you tune in and have a great day. Thank you

Transcribed by https://otter.ai