It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:52
Good morning, Las Vegas Zondra pollara, it's where I am. today. We're talking about sex. And we have a sex therapist on the show. So I want to welcome Madison. And your last name is helped me out? Golly, golly, Madison golly, is a licensed professional, who deals with relationships, and her specialty is sex. So how did you get into sec?

Unknown Speaker 1:27
Well, thank you for having me here. Of course, very excited. You know, sex has always been something that comes really comfortable to me and talking about it. And so it was I worked in the medical field prior. So making the transition to therapy talk therapy really became it was a natural transition in terms of health care, right and healing. But then, in regards to my specialty become becoming a clinical sexologist, it really just seemed like a great fit for me, talking with people about sex, the really the most intimate part of individuals or couples lives. And I just found that, you know, I'm really great at having a connection and building a connection with people and then to be able to ask such intimate questions right from the get go is important. So

Zandra Polard 2:18
how do you start those conversations? Like how does it go? Like, how's your sex life? Like, where does it start?

Unknown Speaker 2:24
Yeah, pretty much just like that. Really? Yes. Except I'm, you know, usually I'll ask well, I get a little bit of information about why they're calling to inquire about my services. And then once we kind of make that initial phone call, and we set an appointment for a consultation, really, I give people two choices. You know, a standard kind of initial assessment is for therapists to ask a ton of questions. It's called a bio psychosocial. And that also for me, includes a sexual health assessment, like a sexual wellness assessment as well.

Zandra Polard 2:56
Oh, I wonder what that's like, okay.

Unknown Speaker 2:59
But sometimes, going through all those questions can be daunting for people. So I really give them a choice. And I asked them if they're comfortable just telling me why they're here, and we'll have a conversation. Okay. And then we get to it, it's probably within five or 10 minutes that they'll tell me why they're there. Okay. Yeah. Well, you

Zandra Polard 3:20
know, I had a couple of relationship experts on the past few weeks, I had Dr. Mullen on. And then I had the number one relationship coach, see Reggie Rogers on and they gave some great information. And it was kind of like, when I talk to my girlfriends, right, it's so easy to talk to your girlfriend's about sex. But when it's time to talk to your partner that you're having sex with, then we want to clam up and we don't want to discuss things right. Correct.

Unknown Speaker 3:53
Absolutely. That absolutely. Yeah. So anyhow,

Zandra Polard 3:57
having them on the show helped me deal with some things in my relationship. But I talked to a really close friend of mine. And she, she told me years ago, she says, Andhra, I really think, you know, you and your man need to see a sex therapist. And I said, really? And as years have passed by, it's like, you know, I think she's right. You know, it seems like a lot of our issues boil down to our intimacy. So, for me, sometimes it's just like, you know, it sets it sets, it sets and for him sometimes it's now that we're older. For him, it seems like it's more conversation or hand holding, or something or just watching a show together. You know, those kinds of little intimate things. Yeah. So what do you say to people who are middle aged? And sexist changing? Whether it's for the female or the male? You know, the libido shifts? Absolutely. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 5:14
absolutely. Well, yeah, that's quite common. And what I find is people struggle with that change. Because it either happens gradually, and they don't notice it until it's been going on for a few years. Or it's rapid, it's quite quick, and they don't really feel like themselves. And when you're in a couple hood, that disrupts the Couplehood. And people don't know how to talk about that. Sex is a hot topic. And sometimes it's well, along with it being a hot topic. It's also a delicate topic. Yes. So then, you know, nobody wants to hurt their partner. Nobody wants to offend their partner. And they're not quite sure how to say what they want to say. So they dance around it, right. And that leads couples ice down a rocky road. And they don't really, they might spend a few years on that rocky road, and they don't have to. And

Zandra Polard 6:10
this is a lot of sex. You're missing? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 6:13
Well, and also to what I found is, as we get older, that we really fall more into ourselves, whether it's our skin, our relationships are more comfortable, maybe kids are getting a little bit older. And our we're more secure in our jobs. It's not like when you're in your late 20s 30s, where it's really the hustle of either your career or starting a family. That's typically when people do those things. And so when you get into your late 30s, early 40s, you're

Zandra Polard 6:47
like I said, like me?

Unknown Speaker 6:49
Yeah, well, I'm in my late, I'm in my late 40s. And so things do change. And, and, you know, sometimes people don't know how to reconnect, and like I said, they dance around the topic, and they don't really get there and they're afraid to hurt each other's feelings. And because then they think

Zandra Polard 7:06
they won't get laid it right. Yes. So how do we start the conversation? What do I say, to my partner? When, you know, I'm kind of ready. And he's not because we do have like

Unknown Speaker 7:23
a lake ready for the Act are ready for the conversation?

Zandra Polard 7:27
Both? Let's start with the conversation. Let's start with conversation. Because I think for us, it's a power struggle. You know what I mean? Like, either I want to be super dominant, or mostly he does.

Unknown Speaker 7:39
Gotcha in the conversation.

Zandra Polard 7:43
Well, that's a sexually putting that out there. But then now, how do we have the conversation about doing something different? Or, you know, one being more dominant the next time than the other? Yeah, something like that.

Unknown Speaker 7:59
You know, it's funny when you said that I almost like my therapist brain switched, it came on, and I was almost gonna say, can you tell me more?

Zandra Polard 8:08
I would tell you that I had to catch myself and go rewind. Right?

Unknown Speaker 8:14
So yeah, I, you know, when it comes to the conversation, rather than couples, just or one person saying, hey, let's talk because that brings up the red flag. Oh, Ross, you know, the, the we need to talk conversation. Couples say that. And when that happens, I, what, what I know, that happens with people is their nervous systems get activated? And they're like, Oh, this is a bad thing. Or what what are we talking about? What did I do now or something to that effect? And then that usually doesn't go well in the conversation. So just like in the bedroom, I think couples getting ready to have even a conversation need to set the stage. Okay? Meaning, make sure everyone's is if the kid if you have kids, make sure the kids are asleep, set some time aside in the evening, not when you're both exhausted. So don't have this conversation at 10 or 11 o'clock at night, unless that's your morning time. Okay? But don't don't do it at night. And make it when you guys have when people have privacy and they have, you know, the space to be able to have that conversation. And you know, what's best is for somebody to rather than ask their partner, how do you think it's going? How do you think our time is going right? That's a loaded question. It's better for somebody to say I, this is how I'm feeling about our sex life. This is the things I want to explore. I'm noticing my libido or my sex drive, or that's the best way to start that conversation. Okay,

Zandra Polard 9:44
so you shouldn't say I think we need to see a sex therapist.

Unknown Speaker 9:50
Well, that can come but nit later that might start out that way. No, you don't have to start out that way. Okay. There's definitely reasons to go see a professional Absolutely. but not usually that doesn't need to be the start of the conversation.

Zandra Polard 10:04
So one of the questions a lot of you guys out there, you know, I did put on my Facebook page that I was having Madison here today are specialists in sex. And a lot of you were afraid to put your questions in the comments, which I understand because, you know, you may be afraid I'd say your name or something. Right. I wouldn't do that. But I may say where you're from. So anyway, don't be afraid you still have time to do me. Because Madison will be back. So a lot of people were shy.

Unknown Speaker 10:45
Yeah, I found that to be the case when I asked public questions, or in a public forum. Again, because it's not anonymous. So I found that so it takes people some time to get used to asking those questions or feeling comfortable disclosing in some way. Yeah, and I understand that,

Zandra Polard 11:05
but I did call my freaky friends. And they had no problem. You know, sure. They had some questions for you. Excellent. Okay. So one of the questions was, when you are going through menopause, how long does it take to get your libido back? Or when can you expect your libido to come back?

Unknown Speaker 11:32
Well, and that's a really common question. And that is a great question, actually. Because women really struggle with this a lot going through either perimenopause or menopause. And to be honest with you men struggle with it as well as they're going through andropause is how there might be an updated term for that, but for men, but it's a basically, when men and women go through a lack of hormones. And so there's a change in the endocrine system. And, and as a result of that, your sex drive kind of sometimes takes a nap. And that's really hard to get that back, you know, and what I think is people should actually go see a physician and get their levels tested. Yes. So when people do come into my office, I, I'm always thinking about a tree. And this may treat it's a diagram, right? It's in the protocol. So I think about what I need somebody to do in terms of their physical health, and then what I need to do in terms of their sexual health, mental health, and it's always easier to have the physical health things done, which are tests, go see your physician go see either your OBGYN a functional medicine doctor, this vessel specializes in Hormonal Health and to credit health and then as well as for men, urologists? Yes, yeah. Okay, and then have those things done. And if there's a lack of hormones taking place, then those can be replenished with a physician's help. And two people, you know, the doctor and the patient working together with that, and that will help but also to when women are going through perimenopause, or menopause, and their libido is lacking. Just like with your sex life are all areas, you know, I try to think of it as a wheel, a wheel of health. And it's lifestyle choices. It's what you're putting in your mouth, whether it's food or or drinking, eating, or drinking, right, what and doesn't have to be alcohol, it could just be soda pop, or whatever. So those things are you getting enough sleep, sleep is a real indication of your health and how you're resting at night. So that how you feel the next day stress management is another part of that we'll have health. Okay. And then

Zandra Polard 13:53
exercise. Yeah, I

Unknown Speaker 13:54
was gonna say physical activity. But then also part of that is some self care. So do you take any time for yourself? Do people take any time for yourself? Are they just going and going and giving to their jobs giving to their family, and not really taking any time for themselves? Because if they're not, then there's not much left to the end of the night to give to somebody else? Oh, yeah. And if your cup is empty, then you can't share it with anyone because it's empty. You haven't even replenished it yourself. Yeah.

Zandra Polard 14:26
So what do you do if you are parry or post or menopausal? What do you do? When can you expect it to come back? Say you went to the doctor, and you've done all those things? Right? Yeah. Now you realize that it's you or it's them. It's the relationship. How do you get that spark back?

Unknown Speaker 14:53
Well, it starts with a conversation. Okay. And that's not the most sexy thing I get it, but it does start with a conversation we

Zandra Polard 14:59
roleplay Can you hear me? Yes, honey, I've, uh, I want to talk to you about how I've been feeling lately. Okay. And I feel like we haven't had enough intimacy lately. And when I say intimacy, I don't mean just, you know, holding hands and watching TV. I would like a little bit more of physical interaction with you. Is that right?

Unknown Speaker 15:28
Yeah, that's perfect. Excellent. Good job. What do you say? Let's go No.

Zandra Polard 15:35
In a perfect world.

Unknown Speaker 15:37
And actually, I love that you clarified that it's not just hand holding, because, okay, saying intimacy, it's appropriate. But that could be. Well, we, we went to the movies last week, and we are we cuddled in on the couch. And when we went to dinner, we were holding hands. So those are, those are intimate activities. But that's not what you're asking about. So it's great to clarify,

Zandra Polard 16:00
want to go from first to second to third to home base? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 16:04
And, you know, sometimes it can be that you just make a date. I really do think people need to put it on their calendar, and I get a lot of feedback and actually push back is the word Okay, push back. Okay. Because everyone says that's not sexy. It's not spontaneous.

Zandra Polard 16:25
But it gets you away from the norm. It gets you away from the kids get you away from your in laws, or your mom or wherever, maybe at home, I don't know. And it's just the two

Unknown Speaker 16:35
of you. Correct. And it doesn't mean it has to be a sex date. But it's a time that you set aside to be with your partner. And it might just be reconnecting. But maybe the next week you you do

Zandra Polard 16:46
have sex, right? Where people watching? Correct, correct? And

Unknown Speaker 16:50
in terms of what activities being more adventurous. So talk about that. Is there anything you want to try? What have we done in the past that we both really enjoyed? And what are some things we might want to try in the future? That is new for us?

Zandra Polard 17:07
So tell me, we talked on the phone before you came onto the show? And there was a question asked by my husband? And I'm just gonna put it out there. His question was, as in any, I have six therapists coming on to the show, do you have a question? And he says, Yeah, ask how to make it better. What? I was insulted. What do you try to say? But when I told you that, you told me what?

Unknown Speaker 17:43
I don't remember exactly what I say

Zandra Polard 17:48
that there was a difference between maintenance sex, yes. And

Unknown Speaker 17:52
well, and, and other sex or an adventure, a sector play for sex. So in relationships, and, you know, once the initial part of the lust of wholeness or the that that beginning part of relationship once that wears off, couples do fall in a long longer term lasting love, which is ideal, that's what you want. But in the transition of that, there, there should be maintenance sex, and maintenance. Sex is great for relationships. It's it doesn't have to be perfect. It might be a quickie, it might be in the laundry room, it might be when the kids are at a play date, whatever. That's what that is. But the other times couples should make it more intentional. Sex should be more intentional the time that they spend together, and the time that they're devoted to each other. And whatever that the couple enjoys, they should be doing that. And that might be going on a date. It might be having a night at home,

Zandra Polard 18:47
getting a massage. Yes.

Unknown Speaker 18:49
So absolutely. So the great thing too, is massages are a great way to get to know each other again, without your clothes on. And it doesn't necessarily have to be sexual, but it's quite intimate. And it's where couples can start to explore each other. And mostly,

Zandra Polard 19:09
yeah, that could happen. I usually fall asleep.

Unknown Speaker 19:15
And the other tip, I will say too, when it comes to date night, is plan the sex at the beginning. Oh, okay, so get ready. I think you should get ready for that like you're going out. But instead of going out at three o'clock in the afternoon, you find your sex date. And then after that, you get ready again and if you need to freshen up, and then you go on your date, okay, because most of us have sex afterwards and we're exhausted right? Listen, nobody wants to have sex after drinking wine, having spaghetti having a steak like No, wants to go home and get freaky. After having a big meal right It's

Zandra Polard 20:00
just okay. It's sure. It's a wonderful if you have Okay, well, sex before sex after? Yeah. Okay. I like that. Yeah. So let me think there was another question. And all my questions for some reason are not in front of me. But the one was about the menopausal. The other was how to make it better. And then oh, and I just brought it up in conversation. The other question that I received was, how do we started out? The show with this was? How to get the other person to engage? Yes. Okay. So how do you get your spouse to like,

Unknown Speaker 20:50
initiate? That's what you're talking about? Right? Initiating. Okay. Right.

Zandra Polard 20:54
Because this person that I was speaking to, they were saying that their spouse used to initiate and now they don't anymore. And I think there, it sounded to me like they wanted that same pattern. But I guess things have changed, right?

Unknown Speaker 21:12
Yeah, absolutely. And that's also I want people to be open to that, that how it was at one point in the relationship may not be how it is now. Right? Because we are, we change and we we change, everything changes. Except as adults, we don't really see our partners changing so much. We kind of put them in a placeholder when we first met them. And we kind of always are looking back at that. And that's like the marker, but it shouldn't be because you can have the conversation. Yes, absolutely. Baby.

Zandra Polard 21:48
You remember when you used to? And I want to tell you, I really liked when you use you. Can we try that again?

Unknown Speaker 21:56
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. That was brilliant.

Zandra Polard 22:01
I'm getting an A in sex.

Unknown Speaker 22:05
Yeah, well, and it can also bring in, would you? Do we want to do some of that. That's familiar. So then yeah, that can be but I would also ask it is was that did that not work? What about that didn't work and why did it stop? Okay, so then maybe there needs to be some exchange of power, a different power dynamic.

Zandra Polard 22:26
See, you lucky, we're on Public Radio. However, if you'd like to stay tuned, you're always welcome to go to my YouTube channel. And we can have a deeper conversation about sex. Okay, it's where I am.com And we will continue the conversation about sex. And then we can say some words that we can't say on air. Okay. All right. All right. So now I digress back to the education, and helpfulness of sex, mental health, and relationships. Okay. So what is something that you want to give to our listeners was a nugget that we can all use? That has not been said already?

Unknown Speaker 23:16
I want to say, but maybe I can't say it on the air. So let me What is it first? Well, solo pleasure. Oh,

Zandra Polard 23:21
okay.

Unknown Speaker 23:22
I think every I think everyone should be doing we gotta Yes, we can say it's

Zandra Polard 23:25
a pleasure. So low pleasure,

Unknown Speaker 23:26
okay. It's a solo practice, really. And, and a lot of people don't engage in that. Or maybe life has gotten really busy. And that can happen with just again, different transitions in adulthood. So people will forget, oh, they their own pleasure and well being and if they're not engaging with sex with their partner, then they don't even engage with the sex with themselves. So again, solo pleasuring Oh, wow. So especially for men and women, if you don't use your equipment, you will lose it. Like there's some atrophy that starts to take

Zandra Polard 24:00
women in the drawer or the equipment that's on your body. Okay. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 24:04
So men's erections will actually decrease over time if they're not using them regularly. Oh,

Zandra Polard 24:10
are you saying yes, you to us? Are you saying five minutes? Oh, five minutes. Okay. That

Unknown Speaker 24:16
and then also, if women aren't Lewbert, because women self lubricating. That's what we do so and when we're turned on wood, there's more lubrication, right? So if a woman is not engaging in sex in her personal life, then well, no, not necessarily. I mean, that could happen. Absolutely. And then of course, with hormonal changes, women become a lot drier or very dry, and that's a problem. So engaging in solo pleasuring can really keep her those juices active. Okay, and that's really healthy for a woman's sexual health, just like it is for a man sexual health. There I have a little bit of a disclaimer, don't use porn. Okay, there's a time and place for porn, but during this It's that's not the time and place. And also to just because a man loses like he might lose some of his erection reptile tissue, it doesn't mean that women need to be giving it up all the time, or he needs to be going and solo pleasuring five times a day. Like, that's not what I'm don't read into. I don't want any of your audience to read into my words. Like, we're talking about a healthy engagement with your sexual self. Okay. Yeah. So. So

Zandra Polard 25:24
why do you say no porn?

Unknown Speaker 25:26
So there's a lot of reasons but but porn really is like cocaine for the brain. And when an individual watches porn and watches too much of it, they're seeing and searching for exactly what they want. And they're getting that every time. And no one in real life. Is that, whether it's that that lighting looks at good sex is always perfect. Bodies are perfect. Everything like it's ridiculous. Excuse me. And so if people watch that, whether it's men or women, because a lot more women are watching porn these days, but again, not that's not the average, that's not the average. And so when we find porn that visually, we like, and it's really stimulating, it's arousing, but it's also mentally stimulating as well. And normal sex is just not that every time it might be, might be like that one in 10 times one in five times if you're lucky, which is brilliant. But that doesn't mean it's every time so people's expectation of what they're seeing and what they're having is very different. So that's

Zandra Polard 26:36
going to affect affect your, your sex life with your partner.

Unknown Speaker 26:40
It will absolutely it absolutely will because it's either an individual may not be turned on like they are when they're watching something, right. Like instantly. Yeah, okay. And our bodies just our bodies are like preheating an oven. So our turn on an arousal is literally like preheating the oven and that's why foreplay is so important. That's why there's sensuality and eroticism and playfulness. And all of those things are really, really important to preheat that oven so that when you get to the bedroom, it's a continuation of that you can just turn the heat up more.

Zandra Polard 27:13
Okay. Well, you heard it here. It's where I am, I'm Sondra polearm. I'm here every Saturday at 7:30am. Also, you can get me on all your podcast platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever it is, I am there. It's where I am with Zondra. So we'll see you next week. And have a great day.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai