It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Kevin Krall 0:00
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Unknown Speaker 0:50
Good morning Las Vegas its entrepreneur log with, it's where I am. Today. My guests are Louisa Isler. She's back. And we also have Dr. Tart, who is here to talk with us about getting back out there. Love shock. We're talking about how to get back out there. Right. So we've gone through all of our holiday time we've had Thanksgiving, we've had Christmas. Now, here comes Valentine's Day, what to do? Are you staying together? Are you breaking up? What's going to happen? Right before Valentine's Day. So thank you for coming on Louisa and Dr. Tart, when is the best time to break up with your loved one. Should that be happening before Valentine's Day or after Valentine's Day?

Unknown Speaker 1:43
Well, my response would be time is your most valuable resource in the world. So if you're considering breaking up, glad to break up because you never know you might meet your real Valentine on Valentine,

Unknown Speaker 1:55
you may have to what you don't want to have if you're in a dead end relationship. You don't want to string it along because this is your life. This is this is the slightly look at your personal legend. i This this is your life. And if you want to be in a healthy relationship, the first thing you have to do is assess. Are we just having problems and we need to go to couples counseling and work through it even if we're not mayor, you know, couples counseling right now? Or is this too far gone? And I need to go on to find Mr. or Mrs. Right?

Unknown Speaker 2:27
Yes, you know, there's a term that's going around right now for people's lives that are happening during COVID, which is called languishing. And I think languishing really applies to love, you know, because it's sort of just like when it lingers on without really being productive, right?

Unknown Speaker 2:42
And then what is the expectation? It seems to me that women have a higher expectation for Valentine's Day and that can be stressful? How do we deal with that?

Unknown Speaker 2:54
What value wise provide and girlfriends provide in our lives, they complete us?

Unknown Speaker 3:01
Amen. The average man

Unknown Speaker 3:03
is married, the older it gets go to get married, you know, if you want to live or die alone, being honest, that's a critical question. Primary care physicians at 40 start talking to men about marriage, why it actually adds to their longevity a man y'all know, all right,

Unknown Speaker 3:18
because men do live longer if they're married, right? Men live longer if they're married.

Unknown Speaker 3:24
They do. Okay. I mean, a happier, healthier and wealthier, that's part of science. that's those are facts. It's not an opinion. So there are men that are moving towards these relationships, so So on Valentine's Day, shouldn't we appreciate you. And the reality is we need more romance as men. So this is actually a great way to spend quality time, especially in the pandemic, in the middle of languishing, we need some spark something special to add to spice and intimacy of our relationships.

Unknown Speaker 3:53
I love it. I love your expertise. And I love that you are a married man spreading this knowledge to other men to be a better more responsible love partner. So,

Unknown Speaker 4:06
about that, you know, for some of those men that might be on the fence, you know, where they've had a long term girlfriend where they've had a long term significant other and they're just not quite ready or a little afraid to maybe solidify it more with a marriage. You know, what encouragement can you give them because I think a lot of people in today's world are afraid, getting there.

Unknown Speaker 4:24
I think they're afraid of failing at marriage. Right?

Unknown Speaker 4:30
Not just the commitment part.

Unknown Speaker 4:33
I suggested the stick the counter, never get into a relationship. That's scarier. You're gonna be alone for the rest of your life. Everyone else is combining income. companionship, you're able to spend time one especially in a pandemic. If you weren't in a relationship before the pandemic and then your workout cut out. Then you can't even go into the office. You can't travel your hobbies. You can't go to the gym. You had to rely on your household All right, because if you say that take a COVID test, kiss someone you don't even know what to do. That's a lot of stress. So when we look at it, that's why you'll see more men move towards marriage as they get older. Now, is it scary, of course, it's an important decision. But what I would do is I focus on what makes you more competent. As a partner, what makes you better as a team, you don't have to wait to get engaged, to get into couples counseling, or coaching, to be better as a team and to work through your issues. So as you get better, and you're trending in the right direction, that's what decreases people's anxiety about commitment and marriages, if they see that this is trending in the right direction,

Unknown Speaker 5:41
that makes a lot of fun.

Unknown Speaker 5:43
I love it. So just a benefit to Valentine's

Unknown Speaker 5:45
Day, man, if you romance and you a woman that goes this 360 degrees, that what goes around comes around, she feels good. She's going to reciprocate that. She's happy that you made her feel special, she's going to want you to feel special as well.

Unknown Speaker 6:02
Okay, so let's talk to those who don't have anyone and what do they do? So I know women have gallon tines day, right? The we say you talked to me about that. And I thought you made it up. But it's really something that women do they love and appreciate one another and give each other gifts. What would a guy do? Can he do Valentine's Day

Unknown Speaker 6:25
where he can keep himself occupied? Guys just not in the culture to Valentine's Day. That's why women have better, you know, some more social support because they can get together and mentally isolate. So I'd say if you remain self care, go to the spa, go work out, go to the gym. But really, I'd say start being social. If you want to be in a relationship, do what you need to do to present the best version of you. And then be proactive in initiating conversation with others, right? Put yourself in a place where there are women that you would actually want to talk with, and allow things to happen organically, whether that's online, or whether that's in person I know we're having to deal with COVID. But you need to be proactive. So you can have a normal conversation for

Unknown Speaker 7:11
having been single for many years, I finally came to the revelation that if you want to be happy, and you want to be in love, you have to go where love is. And with that what I mean is, if you think about it, a lot of times with these dating sites, you connect with someone, and then you're both sitting on the couch having conversations that last a long time and you think yeah, like you've been divorced. I'm in divorce. Yeah, your ex did this. Yeah, my ex did that did that too. But that's not really love. And that's not human relationship building. That's commiseration.

Unknown Speaker 7:40
Okay, so, so how do you what would you suggest how conversations should flow to get into a love state? If you because you're thinking that that's a commonality, right?

Unknown Speaker 7:51
You have to remember that talking, in essence of itself does not build trust, okay. Participation in activities truly builds trust, right. So that means if you're going to talk, maybe make dinner together while you're talking, even if you're on the phone, and it's virtual, do some shared activity that actually lets you see one another in action, because actions do speak louder than words

Unknown Speaker 8:17
into one another. It's called Love mapping. Love mapping is where our map away from my head and heart into your head and heart, what we're building is connection. So right now, no matter no matter what, if we don't have connection with the internet, we have nothing. If we don't have connection in our relationships, it's nothing. So the way you build relationships, like Louisa says, is doing activities on a regular basis, is talking deeply to get the person to know the person's world every day, on whatever not every day, but on a consistent cadence, what's going on in your world, what's going on in your world, and we want to talk about the smile. So thanks so much, when in front of me and traffic, and we want someone to actually hear that. And also on a deeper level, I want to share my life dreams with you, and I want to hear yours. And that's when that chemistry and that connection starts moving in the right direction. And so you have something and that means you can go on 10 dates, but if you have that special thing, one person, that's the person you tend to focus on, and that's what feels towards commitment and marriage.

Unknown Speaker 9:20
Oh, that just made me think about, like when you when people get together and there's like a scary moment or a scary event that they share. They tend to fall in love. When you said that that just reminded me of, although that's not, you know, they fall in love because they have that shared experience through fear. But it doesn't meant that they're meant to be together. Just thought about that.

Unknown Speaker 9:46
Painting needs to dance. So he has to find a dance partner. It's like at the bar and you drink and he saw a man and life is going horrible. You don't want the person next to you say cheer up. No, you want them to say hey, life sucks. up another drink, right? Yeah premium a woman I doing right life, it can't agree on vaccines, you want someone to join in in the pain and you go that hole. But here's what's happening. We bonded over pain, we have connection, okay, so you can also bond healthy. We're trying to do life together, we have similar passions, or the willingness to support a separate passion because we want support and connection.

Unknown Speaker 10:28
Now I know you're a minister, what do you say about people who believe they can find their significant other in church? Because all your guys say, you know, oh, I need to go to church, so I can find me a good woman. What do you think about

Unknown Speaker 10:44
that? Psychologist? Oh, get your faith and works. Faith without works is dead? Yeah. Okay, working for a man. Absolutely. Because more women go to church than men, especially in the African American community. So if you're looking for women, go to search, which which you also you need to make sure that you are marriage material or relationship material. If you go anywhere, for all those women to go to recognize the flaws. Oh, you're gonna feel bad about yourself. But if you're a man, and you feel like I am ready to try a relationship, I feel like I have relationship skills. I know how to communicate. I know how to express myself when I'm upset. I have the time and balance to give a woman the time that she needs. And this is yeah, go and meet people organically socialize, say hello, join classes, join ministries, and is this as a plastic charge. But this is anywhere to go and be social, active

Unknown Speaker 11:40
social and organic.

Unknown Speaker 11:42
I think that that's the key right there. That is so important. Because for example, if you're sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself on Valentine's Day, right girl or guy, and it's unlikely that a stranger is going to ring your doorbell and say hello, I'm your Valentine. Nice to meet you. But if you'd be brave, and you take yourself out to dinner, you know, there's a saying a woman who knows what she brings to the table isn't afraid to eat alone. So I'm saying Ladies, you've got to go out, dress yourself up, date yourself, and be ready for what could happen. Because if you stay home and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's, nothing's gonna happen.

Unknown Speaker 12:18
Right? And that's all a part of that self care that we always talk about. Right? So what are some self care tips for people to engage in? On Valentine's Day, or any day?

Unknown Speaker 12:31
Well, Louisa said, don't take it a step further. go have dinner in a place where a lot of men are going to be and Where's

Unknown Speaker 12:37
where's that? Where's, where's that?

Unknown Speaker 12:41
Country close where men are anything around money, a gym, don't go to don't go to Planet Fitness. Go. Go to CrossFit go to go to Orangetheory go to where men are still going to be men. If you just happen to be there. If you have a go to anything around business, you can be a female entrepreneur. Right? You are female. It's so girl,

Unknown Speaker 13:04
lady. Ladies this year, Valentine's Day is the day after the Super Bowl for crying out loud, no more no plate and be interested in the things that men are drawn to. Just a little bit of knowledge.

Unknown Speaker 13:21
Just simple party single reason I've made good to go to the soup. Go to a restaurant. Don't watch it at a sports bar. medica be there. Oh, wow. She's cute. She's cute. Like football. He said the go where the men are. Right now He who finds a wife finds a good thing against favor and adore. So women, you have to be findable. And then you actually have to be in pursuit to initiate the conversation. So make it possible. I agree with Louisa we sit at home and we wait for someone to come that's not being acted, you know, you're not doing that to build your brand. You're not doing that to come up in corporate America. You're not doing that to make more money. Now all those active process. So be active with being pro social. And watch what happens.

Unknown Speaker 14:05
Inside trail, unify shared personal experience. So I had had a relationship and ended was really feeling down on myself. And there was a great concert coming to my town. I couldn't get any of my friends to go with me. Nobody wanted to go but I bought my own ticket anyway. And I said, You know what, I'm just gonna go, I went and that's actually where I met my significant other totally unexpected because I had the courage to say, You know what, it's cool. You know, I can do a lot of things by myself. I can, you know, pay my bills by myself. I can, you know, buy a car by myself, I can feed myself but just taking that courage to say, Oh, I could also go out on the town at night by myself. And no one's gonna think that like I'm not cool, because I'm going to be ready for whatever comes.

Unknown Speaker 14:45
Well, there you have it. Well, you know, I have to say I have been married for quite some time. And so my expectation on Valentine's Day and every Valentine's Day is that I'm asked I have to be asked every year To be his Valentine, because of all the trauma I went through when I was single. It's so important to me. That's that's how we, you know, begins Valentine's Day with him asking me and then, you know, whatever our plans are.

Unknown Speaker 15:16
I think that's really special. And Dr. Tart, I just have a question for you. Because as a therapist, many years in practice, a lot of couples come in and they're like, Oh, it was less than satisfied on Valentine's Day or even when it's not Valentine's Day. It's so boring. I just fell out of love. We haven't been intimate for years and years and years. Oh, well, what are some ways that people can kind of, you know, rekindle that Valentine flame.

Unknown Speaker 15:37
So to date, do something big. Get out the culture where you are right now, and maybe take a vacation, go to a Couples Retreat, my wife and I won't run one call a weekend for love. Yeah, invalid.com. We take cookies out of their element and put them around other couples who are fighting for their marriages, and then do some big deal something B, this world is horrible right now, do something big for your relationship go all out. And also for the ladies, I think it's okay for you right now. Start talking about you know what, I really need something big for Valentine's Day, I'd like to do something special. I'm so excited to see what you've planned, we really need something awesome. Most men just want to be cubed. They want to be cued as to how to make you happy on Valentine's Day. So tell them in advance, give them some hits, so that they can move forward.

Unknown Speaker 16:31
But that is for the good ones and the committed ones. Because if you tell that to a man who has not committed to the relationship fully, he's going to get scared. And he's going to run away. So you have to be careful of your expectation that you put out there as well. Right?

Unknown Speaker 16:51
Yes. A mediocre man. Right? You know, if he can't step up to Valentine's day, one day a year, that's not the man for you. Men, men want to please replace our egos. Compliment for man is that my wife doesn't want for anything. We want our wives or girlfriends to brag. Or make sure I'm good. I do everything. They make sure I'm good. That's what he did on Valentine's Day. And I am doing this on a personal chef to the house because we couldn't go to a restaurant because my safe for COVID with a newborn and milk still has to follow the newborn, some British chef to the house, right so that we can have romantic dinner, something new for my wife, right? And so she deserves that. All right. And so if we're a maid, and in you pride yourself, you should take care of your wife, your girlfriend better than any other man can with the same means. Whatever your provisions are, you need to make sure you're taking care of as well as you can, based upon what you have a lot of time this is creativity.

Unknown Speaker 17:55
So based on what Dr. tart is saying, Louisa, did you want to share what your expectation is with your man on this Valentine today?

Unknown Speaker 18:02
Come on? Well, I haven't disclosed him to me, I have not disclosed it to him yet. He's traveling and so we're not together actually on Valentine's. Okay, so we're gonna celebrate on that Friday, a few days later, because that's when our schedules collide. But I will say this, if you are single on Valentine's Day, or your significant other isn't close to you, I think you can still make pretty special accommodations for yourself meaning for example, even on New Year's Eve, because of travel and whatnot, I wasn't with my significant other but at midnight, it wasn't even midnight where he was yet but we were on the phone together, you know, because that video call and like the way that you can stay in touch with the world without necessarily being able to be in the same space and time has changed. So I say that in fact that there's no real excuses anymore to have a half committed relationship. You know, you're either all in or all out there's an interesting article just this morning on Instagram and it talked about path loving. If you're half committed, do yourself a favor check yourself out because half committed is the demise of all the relationships you know you're either in or you're out all right.

Unknown Speaker 19:07
Yes. Lovers. So okay, so I know you both are very active in your professions and so I'd like for you to share because I didn't do it so great in the intro. Your involvement with mental health? So let's start with Dr. Tart. You are doing many things I know you do things on CNN HLN. You also work with the NBA. Can you let our viewers know who you are what you do.

Unknown Speaker 19:38
I am a psychologist Christian psychologist focused on relationships all relationships as well as mental health right now. Doing a class called better husband better wife a couples who are together seriously dating who wants to take marital classes because they want an amazing marriage not a mediocre one. So check out better husband better wife.com We also have a class for singles called the ring formula and go to ring formula.com. And check that out about how to date towards marriage. And if you want to follow me, I have a text line to send you out mental health videos to simply text me at 770-637-5070. And again, that's 770-637-5070 and I send you out videos and relationship and mental health tips so that we can be well.

Unknown Speaker 20:31
That's wonderful. So the better husbands better wives is a retreat that one can do or couples can do.

Unknown Speaker 20:40
So better husband better wife.com Oh, better why marital class? We Yeah. All right. But if you're looking for a marriage retreat, and this is a high in marriage retreat?

Unknown Speaker 20:49
Yes. Because you mentioned it earlier. You mentioned it earlier. And way back up. I'm so sorry. I cut you off. You mentioned it before Louisa told me about it. Can you please tell me again, this is called

Unknown Speaker 21:03
a weekend for love.com. And we've combined like honeymoon wedding experience with a marriage retreat so that you can come spend time with one another. Get what you need and take your marriage to the next level on a weekend for love.com.

Unknown Speaker 21:21
Love it. And then I also know that you've written a book what is the book? It's called the ring formula. Okay.

Unknown Speaker 21:28
How to meet Mr. Right.

Unknown Speaker 21:31
Okay. I love it. I have my Mr. Ride. But for you ladies out there, you know, it's available to you. Take note. Louisa, thank you for coming back. Oh, I love Louisa Louisa Eiler will also be here at UNLV in the Greenspun building. This month, we're going to have a women's empowerment conference here. So I hope that everyone who was listening will go to my website and get your ticket, you can go to www dot it's where I am.com. Find the evite and come on down. We'll be here February 26, which is a Saturday, it's free parking, come on down and listen to these amazing women. So Louisa,

Unknown Speaker 22:24
so I am a licensed clinical social worker, and I'm also a college professor, I started my career doing sexual health awareness and rape education. And then I got into more family dynamics because I have a special needs child. And then over the course of my life, as I've had my own personal transformation from being very heavy, around 300 pounds to now being around 150, I have a very special calling to really help people have their best life, whether that's finances, whether that's fitness, whether that's faith, whether that's forgiveness, whatever it is. And I really believe, through my own personal experience and my clinical knowledge, having actually been a real therapist, putting all that together, really allows me to work with people in a different way and meet them where they are. And I think I just like to get some advice to the single people for Valentine's Day, maybe Valentine's even as a therapist, I sat home and cried. I'm very passionate about suicide. So I know that people are, you know, at home alone, thinking that their life is over, we're gonna not die because you don't have someone who love you. You have to realize that when you learn to love yourself, and I mean, really love yourself and do the work that it takes to dig up the things that are causing you pain, your life will change and miraculous ways. And so you might be sitting here listening to this podcast or looking at it saying, Oh, my life has so much crap in it. Well, people pay a lot of money for fertilizer crap makes things beautiful. Because when you understand growth, when you finally break through all that stuff that happened to you to weigh you down, it's going to lift you up and you're going to be so strong. So if you're there and you're alone, you know, reach out to someone and if there's no one there to reach out to just look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you. And I just think that that's important to remember.

Unknown Speaker 24:03
I love it. Thank you so much. I look forward to you being here. February 26. Louisa, Dr. Tart, thank you so much for making the time to come on to the show. You're welcome back anytime, of course. And thank you. Well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for tuning in to 91.5 Jazz and more. I am your host Zondra polearm. I'm here every second Saturday of the month at 8:30am. It's where I am by

Transcribed by https://otter.ai