It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:51
Well, good morning. Good morning, Las Vegas. This is Zondra polearm. It's where I am. today. We're talking about relationships. And I have Dr. Colleen Mullen here to help us to work through some things. I know I've got to work through some things. Let's get her on and get this started right away. Dr. Mullen? Hi, how are you? All right, I am well. And you know what, before we get started, I want to thank our mutual friend, Dr. G. Who's been on the show. Yes, he's been here a few times. He's absolutely phenomenal. He works at positively kids. And I'm so glad that he introduced us. So thank you and welcome.

Unknown Speaker 1:42
Well, thank you for having me. And I love Dr. G as well, we we got our doctorates together and have been volunteered for many, many years now.

Zandra Polard 1:50
Well, you know, you are an author of quite a few books, I thought you only have one, but you have several. I have a couple. So you have this one called mindful reflections. And that's a daily journal for better mental health.

Unknown Speaker 2:09
Right? That is my latest book that I have. So what is

Zandra Polard 2:16
this like? Like when you're do you have to journal every single day?

Unknown Speaker 2:21
Well, no. And in fact, I'm a therapist, that doesn't actually even like advocate a lot of journaling, I do when when clients say that they take to it, but what it is, is I look at it as a way of charting, tracking, reflecting on your day, so that you can start to see patterns in your life. I, I was you know, licensed therapist for almost two decades, and also like a late in life, ADHD. So I got I got diagnosed with my own ADHD. And I don't wait to journaling myself. But I know it's so helpful for so many people. So I designed a journal that is to help with the the for people like myself, it was things that I would doing on a daily basis of trying to track my life and see if there are patterns going on. So it has a page for charting for every day, there's a page for charting where you, you know things, you're thankful for today's intention, things I did for others things I did for myself, and a few other boxes to fill in. And then there's an optional, so for a narrative page at the same time, and then I also built in a few coloring pages just to kind of get your mind out of your thoughts and give yourself a break. So if you're doing faithfully, you know, every couple of weeks, you're taking a day off and just skipping the journaling altogether. And just kind of maybe getting lost in a little creative flow.

Zandra Polard 3:54
You know, I'm a I'm very, I'm very big on journaling. But I do have to admit, I don't do it every day. And I do find that I tend to journal more when I'm upset with my partner. And then when I read it is like, there's no way I want to communicate all of the things I'm thinking, I want to say,

Unknown Speaker 4:23
well, well then you're using, you're using journaling life, like a lot of people use journaling. And there's a reason that we tuck it away and we hide it from our loved ones reading what we wrote,

Zandra Polard 4:35
well sometimes I don't mind if he may accidentally find it, you know, sometimes I'll leave it out and like maybe you'll find it

Unknown Speaker 4:46
I know it's not you actually expressed that to him then. Right. You might want him to see it some days but I guarantee you it would be much better to ask Press it yourself to Him. Because there's always that, that nuance that gets lost when you know how you mean something when you're writing it. And if they don't even know how you're feeling that would that would be a pretty dangerous place to be for relationships, some days. They just pick up the book and see all the negative,

Zandra Polard 5:18
right? Because you know, and then I have to stop myself sometimes and say, Okay, well, let me write down all of the good things. What do I admire about this person? Why? Or how did I fall in love with this person? And those things are helpful, you know, in terms of my relationship to keep me from basically going off and cursing somebody out? Yeah. Right.

Unknown Speaker 5:44
Well, we would say that helps you track that helps you track and remember how he is why He is fond of you. Like there's a kind of fondness and admiration. And it's important for people to express and understand that they love their partner for certain reasons, and that their partner loves them for certain reasons. So you are tracking how you love your partner so that on the bad days, they actually don't feel so bad, or you get past them easier?

Zandra Polard 6:11
Yes, absolutely. And that's why you are the doctor on the show. And I'm the one that's keeping it real. Okay. Right. So you have another book, a coaching through chaos.

Unknown Speaker 6:26
Oh, no coaching through chaos is a podcast that oh, so so that is also the name of my private practice. While we're communities, that's the main website for me is coaching through chaos.com. And coding bootcamp was a podcast I launched in 2015. And it's a self help show. And I had people on that had written books on different concepts that people look to for self help, whether it's confidence, whether it's overcoming a struggling relationship, anxiety, depression, all sorts of things. And then some people that have really great stories of overcoming obstacles in life. And so that show though, actually went, I call it a hiatus. But now I've since retired it, and I'm just about to launch. But people can still get it out there. I found all the the podcast players, but I'm about to launch, a new show that is geared towards just about relationships are about changing patterns in them, fixing what isn't working for some people learning how to do things differently. And that was called Love unboxed. And that was gonna learn by

Zandra Polard 7:36
August 1. Said it's love unboxed. Right?

Unknown Speaker 7:41
Like we have the unboxing videos that everybody does. So we're gonna, I'm saying it's love unbox. And it's for the hopeful romantic. That is something I also claim, as I've been accused of in the past, and now I am proud of being a hopeful romantic, and I had to do my own work and relationships, as many people in in my field, do, we have to do our own work that we can be also help us be as effective as we could with our clients.

Zandra Polard 8:11
Sure. Dr. Mullen, I'm sorry to cut you off. But I'm sure it's not we always think it's our significant other when we're talking about relationships, but these relationships can be family, right? They could be our children, they could be our sister or brother or mother or father, right? Well,

Unknown Speaker 8:29
yes. And if you think about it, though, most people we are the same in our relationships, and we often in this is geared towards it is it is a show for people looking to improve their intimate relationships. But if you're doing that, you're improving the rest of your relationships as well. Because for the most part, if you're a person who is, you know, if you're a person who over functions for there's, there's a lot of that pattern out there, where it's, you know, one person does all the emotional work, the relationship and the other person gets let off the hook for whatever reason. And, and, you know, we call that an over function or an under function, or it's not the best term, but that's what it's called. And you know, that person can do less than a relationship, and that person would need to do less to allow the partner to do more.

Zandra Polard 9:21
You're speaking to me, you're speaking like, directly to my issues. So help me you're

Unknown Speaker 9:28
gonna love my new podcast. But if you do that, if you change that, you take a step back and you go, you know what, I don't have to make all the plans for this weekend. I can tell him Yes, I want to go out on Saturday, like you pick the place. Let's go. You're letting him do some of the work like this is a small example of how that can look. But when you start doing that on a regular basis, you start noticing that you do it everywhere. And so then you start getting tired when you start doing it in other regions. friendships still. So you will start doing less and letting other people do more, and some will not. And you'll learn. And that's what happens in our relationship patterns in our intimate relationships. Sometimes we make the change that we want to make for ourselves, and we empower ourselves. And the other partner doesn't keep up. But I always say about allowing them to even make the choice. And so So you allow them to make the choice, can they step up and do more emotionally or as a partner? And if they can, they will. And if they can't, they won't, and then you get to know really what you're in? And what really works for you. Maybe that relationship isn't the one that's going to work.

Zandra Polard 10:41
So you're speaking to me. So this is an issue that I have. So I guess it would be an over funktioner. Right? So okay, I've been married twice. Okay. And in both relationships, I find that I'm doing more of the work, as you've said, and listening to what you're saying is like, Okay, I need to allow them, it's kind of like I think like control, you know, this might be a control issue, I have to make sure that things are done the way I would like them to be done. But not allowing the other person to, to show me what they can actually do. Is that right?

Unknown Speaker 11:26
It's certainly it is usually something that is born and bred a long time ago in a person. So, you know, so you'll recognize me saying that you'll probably go Oh, yeah, I had to do a lot when I was a kid, or I had to always kind of take care of myself, or whatever the case was. You learned that along the way. Or maybe you had an example of an over functioning woman and under functioning man, if we're talking about like, a straight relationship, and I think we are and, and then

Unknown Speaker 11:53
it may be No, I'm just kidding.

Unknown Speaker 11:57
It happens everywhere. But yeah, you I think you said a guy. So yeah. And so then we are. So it's an it's something that's born and bred new long before you get with that partner. And, and then but you'll find, though, that you're probably that way with friends, you're probably the friend that says yes to everything. You're probably the friend that likes to organize the nights out, or things like that you might trade out, you might find that their friends that will do some

Zandra Polard 12:25
gonna let my friends know, more. When nothing, my friends, no, I'm not doing all of the planning. That's only for my relationship. That's it. So I just wanted to clarify that.

Unknown Speaker 12:38
Yeah. And then and then in your relationship, right? You can, you can start doing less of that. And then it is control. It's emotional safety kind of says, because maybe he plays along with all of it. Right? So I'd like to go out this weekend, let's go to this restaurant. And he said yes, and you go out and have a fabulous time. So it gives you exactly what you're looking for. So if you don't do it all, you leave it up to chance that, you know, maybe he'll pick the wrong restaurant, or maybe he'll he won't make a reservation at the right place. And you know, you could get disappointed. So there's like a fear of being disappointed. Fear of, you know, it not going exactly as you would like. So yes. So it's control. It's emotional safety. It's having things go your way, which keeps your stress level down. So all of the totally messes

Zandra Polard 13:35
it up. And then the stress goes way up. Yeah. But you're, you're hitting it right on the head with me.

Unknown Speaker 13:46
No more planning, take the weekend off. Take a couple of weeks off of that. Yeah. And, but and when I say about the planning, that's an easy thing that most people will relate to, and they go, oh, yeah, I do all the planning in the relationship. That's something that comes up a lot in my clients. And, and particularly women will say, Well, I just want a guy who plans the weekend or I just want a guy who plans a date, you know, and and then they realize that they kind of got into this conditioned pattern that they have taken on all the responsibilities in that regard. And so then they have to untrain themselves to do less and take a chance that whatever they pick will be okay, you know, and you learn how to adapt and go, Okay, I don't have to have control of every moment. And it does calm a person. It makes them less stressed. Even though you might initially have some, like new anxiety about it. Over time, it dies off and you get more comfortable trusting your partner.

Zandra Polard 14:45
Now what have you been doing this? For 17 years? Like how do you start breaking that down and you know, altering your behavior? Are you?

Unknown Speaker 15:00
Well, really, if all else is pretty good, I would say, you know, you just tell him you say like, look, I'm going to try something new. I would love to like to go out and do something fun Saturday afternoon together. Can you plan it? Okay, I really just, I don't have it. You know, I don't really have it in me. I'd like to try something new. And I'd love to see what you plan for us?

Zandra Polard 15:24
Oh, well, that's a great suggestion. I like that. So give them fair warning. Fair warning, communicate what you want, and then let them do it.

Unknown Speaker 15:35
That's right. You know, people get scared to say what they want. And, you know, so they end up just going well, just in case it doesn't happen. I'm gonna make a plan, you know? And so it's it's trusting that if you say what you want, that your partner will step up and give you what you want?

Zandra Polard 15:53
No, how do you handle it? If they mess it up?

Unknown Speaker 15:58
Well, messing it up and not doing it are two different things. So messing it up is one of those things, we have to go. Okay, well, where's your expectations? And how did you express what you wanted? And were they clear on what it is that you were looking for? And if they that could be messing it up? Maybe you say when you go to some live music on Friday night, and they take you to Coachella on Saturday, like, that might not be what you wanted, you might have wanted, like a little supper club or something. Right? And so, you know, difference. And so that would be a mess up, you know, then it's but what where people really trip up is that they're scared that it just won't happen, right? Because they they, and so they have lost faith that their partner would do for them. I was talking about people, you want someone who is for you, you know, and someone sitting in the corner waiting for you. And both both ways in the relationship. And so, you know, people get scared that their partner isn't for them. And so then it's more of risky. And you know, and sometimes it's communicating what you want, like about sharing responsibilities at home. Sometimes it's with the kids, sometimes it's with, you know, different things that you're doing out socially. And I agree

Zandra Polard 17:13
that we know that fear. I agree that when fear comes into play, that they won't, the other person won't do what you are expecting. And what I'm understanding from you is you have to communicate what you want first, is that right?

Unknown Speaker 17:32
Yes, you communicated. And you and you stated, ask it, you use set it up for success. Different than when a person is frustrated and says, Oh, but you never do anything. Why don't you plan Saturday? That's not going to get you what you want, right? But examples, don't people get so worked up about asking for it. They'll say, Well, like I told them I wanted to go out and they'll say because I told them I wanted to go out like that, you know? And it's like, well, that's not really going to get because they're gonna be scared of messing up now. You know, but if you say, Gosh, I'd really love for you to plan something fun. You know what we like to do on the weekends? I'm going to trust you just could you would you mind coming up with a date for us on Saturday afternoon? We're going to take you up on that.

Zandra Polard 18:18
And I would say tone is important as well. Yeah, yes, the deliver,

Unknown Speaker 18:23
you're gonna set them up and say like, I really enjoy what we do. You know, you know, what we what we do to have fun, and I realized I've have planned a lot of things and I just would love to maybe try something a little different. Have you planned this weekend?

Zandra Polard 18:39
You know, I have to say that. It would have been nice to have you in Studio. I do have you on over the phone. Because I noticed we're kind of talking over each other a little bit because you can't see those nonverbal cues. Yeah, yeah. So bear with me. So Dr. Mullen, you are not in Nevada. You are in California. However, you do have telehealth. Can you tell us how people can become a client of yours?

Unknown Speaker 19:14
Who, so I do telehealth for individual therapy in California only. That's my license. But I do relationship coaching anywhere and I can do that over telehealth so people can reach out to me through the website through coaching through chaos.com. That's also my email is also coaching through chaos at Gmail, they can reach me that way as well if they just remember that and add Gmail at the end. And so, you know, I would be happy to talk to anybody who's interested and if somebody's looking for individual therapy and they happen to be in the Nevada Las Vegas area, you know, that's outside my scope to do therapy outside of the state but I'd be Happy to help them find a resource in their area.

Zandra Polard 20:02
And that's wonderful. Because, you know, it can be very difficult for people to find services, there's so many available, but then there's the, how do I get there. So first, you should know, our listeners should know that you want to contact your insurance, you want to contact your insurance company and find out, you know, where your therapists are, where they can lead you to a list of therapists that are covered under your insurance.

Unknown Speaker 20:37
Yeah, so I can help you with that, right. So they call their insurance, they get the get the names of like five therapists and say, I want a therapist that treats depression, I want a therapist that treats anxiety, trauma, whatever it is, right? And get the names of at least five people that are covered by your plan, and then go online and look those people up. Everybody has a website these days, everybody probably has some sort of social media that you can look at, because it's important, this is a relationship. And one of my one of my pet peeves is when people I know just get a name and call and they'll say, Well, your name was on a list, which means that they didn't bother any else. And it's like, okay, then they don't understand that therapy is the relationship like you want to check people out, you want to see do I think I could trust this person to I think I could share with this person. Because the last thing you want is somebody to feel like something is inviting. And you also want a few names because you want to call people and say I'd like to talk for a few minutes do you do like a little console like I do a free 15 minute consult, where I let them ask questions about the way that I practice. Yeah. And I get to tell them about that my style of therapy, I asked them about what their history and therapy has been what they've liked, if they have experienced with it. And then we go from there. And we kind of get a feel for if this would be something that they think they want to venture into. And if they don't, I'm happy to go I also at other times give out names of other practitioners if for some reason, it just isn't going to be a fit. But then that's why usually I want people to go to the therapist website, because you can see how they talk about their work. Everybody talks about it differently. And you want to know, do you connect with what they're saying? Because that's who you're getting in the room with you. And

Zandra Polard 22:35
sometimes, on your end, maybe there? Do you ever find that there's a client that you want to be more developed into therapy, like maybe you don't want someone who's just starting out in therapy? Like how does it work from your end?

Unknown Speaker 22:53
So my end it really is about dude are they is their primary complaint, something that I work with these days, like I've had lots of experience through the years, but I say that I work with, like, the things that are under the umbrella of trauma or big life upheavals. So it's trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, and like life transition and relationship work. Whereas I don't work with somebody who is primary diagnosis of bipolar and that that's affecting them. Right? I could, but it's not where I focus these days, I don't want somebody with a primary diagnosis of schizophrenia or autism spectrum, because that's not my strength, my strength is relationships, my strength is trauma, depression, addiction, those, those things that kind of all work together. And that's how it became my specialty because I got into addiction work 20 years ago when I first got into the field. And so that kind of led me into figuring out that these are going to be the things that I really do take to and I know a lot about and you know, in the relationships, there's there's a I've even invested in kind of getting trained by there's the Gottman Institute who has the study programs for people, post masters post doctorate, and then you train with them on their research on relationships that has taken place over 40 years and all their big books on relationships. So I'm proud to say that I was trained personally by them some years ago, and so I practice that method of couples coaching. So, so that's how and that's why it's important for people to kind of go ask their insurance company as a starting point of someone who deals with what they're complaining issue is, you know, and so that they at least start to get put on the right path with the names that they're given by the insurance company.

Zandra Polard 24:46
Well, you heard it here. Dr. Mullen is highly educated and able and ready to help you. Dr. Molen. Can you give us your information so that people can contact you

Unknown Speaker 25:01
Yes. So it's coaching through chaos.com. And the journal if people are into seeing what the what the journal is like, it's on sale it on Amazon. And it's my mindful reflections. A daily journal for better mental health is the subtitle of it. But my mindful reflections is the journal. I also have the 60 day plan for embracing your inner leader is another book, which is a leadership book workbook for women that's on Amazon as well. And, and my business phone number is 619-881-0051. And people can call me and if they say that they heard me on your show, I'm happy to, you know, take whatever question that they have, and see if I can steer them in the right direction for getting some help in their area. If it's for individual counseling, and they happen to be out of California state. Yeah.

Zandra Polard 25:55
Okay. Can you provide that phone number one more time?

Unknown Speaker 25:59
619-881-0051.

Zandra Polard 26:03
All righty. Well, thank you, Dr. Mullen, you will have to come back. Because if you couldn't tell I was trying to get a little bit of my therapy in there. I heard well do it again. Yes, absolutely. Well, thank you again, and we'll talk soon.

Unknown Speaker 26:21
Okay, very good. Thank you.

Zandra Polard 26:24
Thank you. Bye, bye. Hey, so you heard it here. Dr. Mullen, Doctor of psychology is available. She gave her phone number. I don't know it by heart. But you can find it on my website, which is it's where I am.com and check out the podcast there. You can also find it on podcast platforms, which are Amazon, Google, Apple and Spotify. So if you've missed the number live, you can always find it on my website or on any of those podcast platforms. Alrighty, so I'm Zondra Poehler and I'm here every Saturday at 7:30am And next we're going to be playing breakfast in bed by decks. Produced by RBV music was Roberto B Valencia, my brother in law a great composer and musician producer does all my music for my show and so I want to thank you and we'll see you next week

Unknown Speaker 27:41
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Unknown Speaker 28:02
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Unknown Speaker 28:45
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Unknown Speaker 29:13
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Unknown Speaker 29:34
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