It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Unknown Speaker 0:43
Good morning Las Vegas. This is Dr. G on it's where I am 91.5 FM, K, u and v. I'm David jenis, clinical and public relations director at great minds counseling and Wellness Center. And I'm very, very excited today for today's show, because I think we have a phenomenal guest who is going to bring something to our audience and our listeners. And I think it's gonna benefit all of us. So our guest today is Dr. Colleen Mullen, who is the psychologist a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and someone who I really view as being a subject matter expert on relationships. So Dr. Colleen has been helping her clients in her private practice called coaching through chaos for almost 20 years. That's That's unbelievable. Just the experience and working and helping so many people benefit and learn how to communicate and more effective and loving ways is just something that really moves me. So you know, Dr. Mullen is in the process of launching a new podcast called Love unboxed. This is for the hopeful romantic Dr. Callie's work with her clients focuses on helping them learn to manage or recover from trauma, codependent behavior patterns, depression, addictions, anxiety and complicated relationships. You know who hasn't had a complicated relationship during their lifetime. Her work and writing has been featured on over 150 websites, print media and programs including frontline Psychcentral, Martha Stewart weddings, NBC glamour, the New York Post, ESPN, and many more. I'm just waiting for Dr. Molen to be invited on Dancing with the Stars. Without further ado, I'd like to welcome our guest, Dr. Colleen Mullen. Hi,

Unknown Speaker 3:05
Dr. David, you are cracking me. Thank you. Yes, Dancing with the Stars is my next move. Thank you. Well,

Unknown Speaker 3:12
I know that you recently have practice some dancing lessons. Would you like to share with our listeners? why that was?

Unknown Speaker 3:23
Well, I wonder if you were gonna get there on our other connections. So yeah, so I just got married to the love of my life in October. And Dr. David was one of my attendants. And he looked as beautiful as everybody else did that day to

Unknown Speaker 3:38
thank you calling. And, you know, that's why one of the reasons I was so excited to have you on the show, first of all, just to celebrate all your success, but it's an honor for me to call you my friend.

Unknown Speaker 3:55
Well, thank you, David. Yes,

Unknown Speaker 3:57
absolutely. So you know, today's show is Coleen really featured around you and and I love the opportunity to spotlight you and just highlight all the incredible work that you've done in terms of helping couples move forward in their relationships. So can you tell me about this new venture that you're on?

Unknown Speaker 4:21
Yes. So the Lavon box podcast is a brand new project I literally launched a couple of weeks ago. So it is for the well it was born out of the idea that I'm having similar conversations quite frequently in individual sessions or with my different couples. And I wanted to put some information out there that could reach more people at the same time and hoping that I can get some traction on the show and just talk about these things that are So kind of relatable among people, even if the couples are very different in their presentation, there's a lot of similarities and things that go on. And quite frankly, this show is also for singles who are out there trying to figure out like, how come I'm not getting it, you know, right in relationships, and they keep tripping over themselves. And I always talk about people date the same person with a different face, like time and time again, until they figure out what it is that they need to change about how they're going out into the world, right? Because they just kind of keep ending up in the same space at the end of a relationship. And I want to help them understand that they can shift just even sometimes slightly in their, in their behavior in their dating life, and get a lot more out of it than they've been getting. So. So the show is for who I call the hopeful romantic, which I am one of them, it's for the person who hasn't given up on either finding love period, like because they're out there and perpetually kind of single so far, or in a long term relationships, that they want to feel something different. They wanted a shift in the pattern in that relationship. So it can the show is for people who are interested in enhancing their love life. You know,

Unknown Speaker 6:27
Coleen, as I listened to you really explain what the show represents my heart, my heart was getting filled. And it was, you know, going pitter patter? Because, you know, I have had the privilege to be a small part of your journey. And so what I can share with listeners is that Dr. Mullen is really truly somebody that when she talks to talk, she walks the walk. And so to see Colleen, you know, emerge from so many of similar challenges that maybe so many of our listeners are going through or have gone through, you know, certainly Dr. Mullen is is the subject matter expert to talk to and to get insight in regards to how potentially you may move forward in a relationship where there are some challenges. So you know, Coleen, love on Xbox helped me help me, where did this this title for your new venture come from?

Unknown Speaker 7:38
Well, from all the rest of the unboxing, we hear about all over the place. So you know, it's the idea. Well, it's a call in show, essentially, I mean, podcasts are not live. So it is. So I have a page where people can go level inbox podcast.com. And they can leave me up to five minutes of a voicemail to set up their relationship dilemma, the obstacle they want to get past, they can tell me a little bit about what's gone on in their life, and then ask the question, and I then play that question on the air and I build my episode around it. So I essentially unbox that topic, and talk about how, you know, we might hear how it shows up for that color, right in their question. But I want people to understand, well, it could look like this over here, or sometimes it shows up like this. And, you know, like last week, we did, and we're ready to date after divorce, like how do I know if I'm ready to date again? So that has that's a complex question. I was just recording another one. And sharing location, you know, sharing your location between partners and how that is wreaking havoc on the relationship of my current caller. And what that means as far as trust and how it shows up and why it can be such a problem and the message it's sending. So I unbox the topic, and make it relatable. And then I give practical advice on how that person or anyone listening that's relating to it can start applying a shift in how they are dealing with that release, dealing with that relationship issue. Or even extinguish it altogether. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 9:30
so calling, that's fantastic, because, you know, what you're doing is is, you know, you're really breaking down, hence forth unboxing you know, the challenge that a caller is presenting to you. And and so I appreciate that because so many of us think from a linear perspective, and having you know, steps potentially, in regards to things that ended Individual and a couple can do to maybe change modify some behavior that will lead to the outcome that they want, hopefully. So I'm thinking like positive or secure attachment. Okay. All right. So, go ahead. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 10:19
we're gonna say the dilemma that like for people who are in a relationship, that, you know, they have the same problem over and over again, you know, we know that research on relationships shows that, you know, a couple of therapy, which I do a lot of and have a lot of evidence based practice that I utilize, it still doesn't have a great success rate, not not mine, but generally, I want to say, but it has a bad reputation, because couples, because what we know from research, is that couples will wait seven years or longer to even start to address a problem in a helping setting, from when it shows up. So that's why when couples show up, and I get, there's a lot of people who are not in their relationships, even seven years, and they're coming in, they do but on average, when you have long term relationships that are just stuck, and people are not happy. If they're usually waiting way too long, and then they want the solution to happen tomorrow. They want to know how long am I going to do this? I'm like, I don't know, man, it's your relationship. You've been doing this a long time. So, you know, generally, couples are looking at a few months of a process in couples counseling. And this show is just another resource that I want to put out there, you know, to help people that maybe they're ready to come in, maybe they're not sure if they need help, but they're relating to the topic, and they're like, Hey, maybe I could try this. So I just like creating resources that can be out there that can be helpful to people, that they're also not having to try to, I mean, you know, therapy is definitely warranted for lots of people, but sometimes we just need to know, like, what do I do for this? What can I do? And sometimes that's enough.

Unknown Speaker 12:06
Absolutely. So I think calling that you are normalizing, though, for a lot of couples, you know, different challenges that maybe other couples, you know, are going through the same thing. And and so part of my mission on it's where I am, is to address stigma associated with accessing care, accessing mental health services. And so you know, I've talked a lot about that. And, and so I really appreciate you know, how you're going about love unboxed in that, you know, you're making it something that is accessible, something that is relatable to so many people, I think so many listeners will really relate to many of the topics that you may address in love unboxed. And and in on. It's where I am, I am hoping to bring to the community access to different resources. And certainly Lavon box is a great resource for individuals to gain some relationship mentoring or relationship advice.

Unknown Speaker 13:20
Yes, thank you, David. That's exactly what I was hoping to put out there. So So

Unknown Speaker 13:27
now now, can you tell our listeners again, Dr. Mullen, how can they get more connected with Lavon? Box?

Unknown Speaker 13:39
Okay, so the show can be found. I mean, they can just go on Apple podcast and find love on box but love unbox podcast.com and you'll see on the menu items, leave Dr. Colleen a message. That's where you can leave your relationship question. And I would encourage you to think about what you want me to know how to set it up just a little bit, because five minutes on a voicemail is quite a bit of time. And so they can really set it up even callback. I don't care they can do two messages if they need to. And leave me their information. Let me know what their question is, so that I can answer it on the air for them. And they can also follow me I am trying to use Tik Tok as the like home base of the show for the videos and the audio grams. So there is currently I'm running my date of the Week video series started last week and I've got a video on Tiktok it's love unbox podcast on tick tock and they can find the video where I give one suggestion about the date night kind of exercise that can lead to literally months of fun dates with their partner are. So that's out there, that's going to be weekly for about eight weeks, I'm going to do the series of the date of the week. And we'll see where it goes from there. I mean, there's an endless, endless string of things we can talk about for date night. So.

Unknown Speaker 15:13
So yeah, what I'm really excited about is just the various ways in which individuals can access support that you're putting out there for the community. And that is so exciting. We have a little time I wanted to ask you a question to maybe, you know, unbox something for our listeners. So prior to coming into the studio, I was providing clinical services. And, and the word Trust came up in our conversation, so I was facilitating group with about nine adults. And so I was just wondering, you know, and briefly, if you could maybe talk a little bit about maybe, you know, some recommendations in in a relationship and couples of how individuals may gain trust in their partner again, and and, you know, in their relationships.

Unknown Speaker 16:23
Yes. Okay. Thank you. That's one of my favorite things to talk about. So, because trust is something that I, I say, when you when you, if you're starting in a new relationship, trust is something that you give until you're shown that it like they can't be trusted, right, that they do something, right, like, trust along the way the relationship is built on experience of that person. Like, not knowing where they are all the time, or having a leash on them in some way, is not the way to build trust, you want to build trust, by seeing how they show up? Do they call when they say they're going to call? Do they show up? When they say they're going to show up? Do they give you notice, if they're not going to? How do they handle a bad day? How do they handle things, when you're having a bad day? Can they be supportive? Are you and that person, you know, able to join together and have things where you kind of feel like you just get each other, right. That's how you build trust, and it takes time, there is no magic that falls from this guy and says you and you are going to be happy forever. And you're just meant to be even people that are meant to be have to get to know each other. And so I always tell people, like especially in a dating relationship, you're looking at six 912 months before you're even, really, for most people really kind of understanding who that person is. Because that gives you time to go through some of the ups and downs of daily life. And the stressors that happen, and the upheavals that might happen and the things that people go through, where you get to know who this person is at the core of who they are, right? Are they consistently the same person, you know, and, and then it's also being able to communicate with them and tell them when something doesn't sit right with you, or you are confused about something that you received, or you have something that you disagree on with them. And instead of shoving it down, because you're thinking, Well, I don't want them to think I don't like this thing, because this is something they really enjoy. Right? It's okay to not have all the same interests as your partner, or to not have the same views on on some general things in life, you need to have the same values. But that's not about what you do on a daily basis, necessarily. So it's about something that comes over time. And and if a person is struggling with building trust in their relationship, or they get really anxious, if the person doesn't respond to a text right away, because they're at work, or they are reading too much into things. That person I would say probably should seek out some therapy and see where that's coming from. And, and then if there was a betrayal of trust, you're doing the same things you do at the beginning of a relationship, because you're having to rebuild the foundation that's cracked like a house.

Unknown Speaker 19:47
Yeah, no, absolutely. So that was such an excellent, I think just just not presentation, but you know, I think you did an excellent job Coleen In terms of explaining, though, you know, the process of, you know, what's actually involved in in fostering and, and having trust in a relationship in someone, part of what I really like to do on it's where I am, is break down the process for listeners so that they have an understanding of what to expect. So so, you know, I participated in couples therapy and my first marriage within the first year for a year and a half. And then I did couples therapy again at year 10, for another year and a half, because we felt it was something that, you know, we felt it was needed to kind of get us back on the same page at your 10. So, I want to ask you, Dr. Mullen, if you can kind of explain what individuals may into dissipate when they just make the decision that they want to participate in couples therapy, because oftentimes, I find it's very fearful to initiate therapy.

Unknown Speaker 21:12
Yes. So. So the first thing I would tell people to do is make sure you're with someone who sees a lot of couples and specializes in couples therapy, and you want to go to a licensed therapist who specializes in couples, ideally, a marriage and family therapist, but they're even marriage and family therapists that don't see couples, and don't specialize in that, because they, it's a lot to handle two people in a session at the same time, right, you're getting to different people's energies, and I only practice remotely. And so, you know, for for me, I I prefer cuz I love couples, but in the work with them, but what I tell people to anticipate is, you know, it feels thing that you know, your couple your the problem that you're seeing me for, didn't start last week, so we're not gonna wrap it up next week. And in fact, I practice practice a very strict model that's based on research. And it involves four sessions of assessment, and I meet with a couple I meet individually with them, I do a full history and, and then I kind of do a little teaching with them and teach them skill building. That's, that's the model that I practice is oriented around skill building. So the couples so that they don't actually need, you know, essentially wouldn't need a therapist five years from now, if the problem resurfaces. The idea is that we're teaching them skills that they can come back to and reference and go, What was that thing that we had when we weren't feeling connected? What it Coleen tell us to do. And then they'll practice that exercise again, and start to get themselves back on track. There is a lot of, so I tell my couples to anticipate, you know, I say, look, give it a good three months of committed to like you're going to come you're going to do it every week, you're going to practice the things in between. and, and we'll see how you're feeling at the end of that time. And quite frankly, with the style and the method that I practice. And it might the couples will see some improvements in just how they feel, literally in a couple of weeks. And it's not a guarantee, because everybody's different. And, of course, generally it's designed to give to give couples a skill that they can accomplish quickly. So that they can go, oh, maybe we could work this out, you know, and it makes them then it puts them in a safer place. And I get to know them and they get to know me and trust me that I'm gonna be able to help them. It helps them stick out the process to go, oh, we could trust her look at what we feel already. And then it makes them safer to get into the stuff that's ugly, and behind the scenes that maybe they don't carry around with every day. But it's part of the mud that they get stuck in, in their in their relationship. So it's, it's a process and depending on how people practice three months, six months, you know, I love that you that you're putting out the example that you did it for a year and a half Yes. Each time because it's it is a learning experience. And and everybody's different and the nuances of what comes up in each person. It's really it's, you know, even though I mean you've been doing this stuff almost I think as long as I have and

Unknown Speaker 24:46
24 years calling

Unknown Speaker 24:48
Yeah 20 You're always beat me by a year or two David on things. So here we are. I always think we graduated together but we didn't

Unknown Speaker 24:59
know I was I was before you.

Unknown Speaker 25:02
Yes, I know. So, anyway, you know, no matter how long we've been doing this, there's it doesn't shock me anymore that we could be a couple of months into something. And somebody says something. And their partner is like, I didn't know you felt that way, or I didn't know that about you. Like, I literally did a session some weeks ago, with a couple who's been together, almost 20 years, I think. And it was some discrepancy about how like, keep how somebody was using part of the house that was bothering the other partner. So they I said, Well, have you asked your partner why they continue to do this. And they gave a very valid reason that had to do with being able to do work and watch their child at the same time. And all of a sudden, the partner says, Well, I didn't know that. And it's like, well, had you not had that conversation? Did you instead of getting mad, and going, why is that happening? Have you not stopped to say, I'm wondering why you liked doing it like that? How I'm wondering what how you figure it out to do it like that? And why you do it like that? Because it's it's something that I don't I don't take to write, but they don't have these conversations sometimes. And sometimes, they're that simple.

Unknown Speaker 26:25
Well, I think, because, you know, the two of us do this, you know, almost every day, that you're able to lead an individual and a couple, to just at to ask questions that maybe they would not have thought of, because it's not part of their everyday discourse. Part of I think the process for success is having a good fit of the therapist. And so I am really happy that we've had so much time this morning to just engage and talk because I feel like our listeners will get a really good impression and context for your personality calling. Because that is I think essential, and in in a couple feeling safe and returning to therapy the second week, because they feel that connection that they're starting to build with their therapist. So I can speak to this because Coleen has been in my life now for a long time. And I was just in her wedding last October, that Colleen has a big sense of humor, she has a huge heart. She's super intelligent. And she really takes what she does very seriously. And that, you know, she's committed to helping couples move forward and save their marriages, hopefully, and ultimately, to learn skills to be happy. And I think that all of us have that goal in life, that we're all working. And we're all on a similar journey that may be different because we're, we're needing to change or learn different things. But ultimately, we're all working towards being happy. So Dr. Mullen, I just want to thank you so much for taking time you know, this morning to be on it's where I am and and talking about love unbox it. I look forward to listening to your show myself.

Unknown Speaker 28:31
Well, thank you, David. And I really appreciate it and what lovely, you know, very sweetly, you just said about me. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I have exact mutual respect for you as well. And so new episodes do launch every Thursday. I was working on tomorrow's episode all day today. I can't wait to launch it and says love unbox podcast.com And if your listeners want to connect with me or check out my blog or my how my other professional work as a therapist, they can find me at coaching through chaos.com also is my practice website.

Unknown Speaker 29:10
Awesome. And thank you so much for again taking time to be on tour I am I'm Dr. G. guest hosting for Xander Polare on 91.5 FM, K, u and v. Until next time, see you then

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