It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:50
Good morning, good morning, Las Vegas, this is Zondra pollarded, it's where I am. And today, I am so excited to talk to you guys, about the wonderful things that are going on in Las Vegas. Also, we're gonna get deep into the relationships. We're gonna talk about some things I'm going through, and maybe you are too I don't know. So we will have Dr. Colleen moland. On the show she's been on before. And I love love, love her website, she has a practice called coaching through chaos. And, you know, sometimes in my relationship, there's a lot of chaos happening. And I have to learn how to, you know, work through all of this stuff, you know, dealing with another person. It can be difficult, you know, whether you're married to them, or if it's a friendship, or if it's a family member, dealing with another individual can be chaotic, right. So we have to learn how to manage ourselves. And then, right, we have to create boundaries. And that's something that I personally struggle with, with, you know, my children. You know, I have to say that boundaries are kind of difficult for me sometimes, because you know, you want to, you just want to give them what they want. And that's always not the best practice, right? Sometimes you gotta say no. But we're gonna dig into the relationship. I'm going to be talking more about my spouse. Because we are evolving. I'd like to say, you know, there was a period of time where I thought we were stuck. And I felt like I was running this hamster wheel. You know, nothing was changing. And then I talked to a few people like Dr. Mullen. And I've learned to set those boundaries. And I've learned to say no, and I've learned to put me first. If you listen to the show, last week, we had Natasha McCray on. And it was a repeat of a show that we did a couple of years ago. And it was about self love. And putting yourself first, you know, if you're on that airplane, you're going to put that oxygen mask on you first. Right? So what you're doing and how you're taking care of yourself, is so important. So actually, now Dr. Mullen has called in on the line. So we're gonna jump right in and talk about relationships. Dr. Mullen, welcome to the show. Once again. I

Unknown Speaker 3:49
Zondra thanks for having me on. It's always a pleasure. Oh,

Zandra Polard 3:53
my goodness, you know, I have to say, I've taken your advice. And my relationship has actually gotten a little bit better.

Unknown Speaker 4:03
Well, that's wonderful to hear. Yeah. So

Zandra Polard 4:05
it's either what you told me or the fact that he's out of town.

Unknown Speaker 4:15
would say 5050. I'm gonna go with it must be the greatest fight, right.

Zandra Polard 4:18
And then you know what? Also, if anyone wants to catch the shows that Dr. Mullen has been on, you can always find them on your favorite podcast platform. I know that I'm on Apple, Spotify, Google and Amazon. But what I wanted to say was we were talking about stonewalling before. And I Yes. And I posted that on Facebook. And there was so much response to the stall. Yeah, because I had no idea that's what I was doing. Mm hmm. Right.

Unknown Speaker 4:55
If you're not shutting down, your partner still gets an opportunity. to connect with you,

Zandra Polard 5:01
right, and I, and I did, like you said, I would just kind of like, in my own words, I would say, you know, let's just hear Mark this conversation for a later time because I'm not ready. And then I circled back around and expressed how I felt about things.

Unknown Speaker 5:20
And it went so differently when you're able to take that 30 minutes, 24 hours, whatever is needed, and come back, right, your your call, you're able to say, this is what I really wanted you to know. Rather than either not saying it at all and shutting down, or saying it in a way that nobody will hear.

Zandra Polard 5:40
Right. And then I'm able to hear what he's trying to tell me a lot. You know, I'm understanding a lot better how he's feeling. Yeah, because he's communicating with me differently. Because I'm not shutting down, or showing that I'm upset. non verbally, right?

Unknown Speaker 6:01
Yes. Yes. And like literally when you are like, when when you're stonewalling, and you're shutting, and you're shut down, and you're doing that literally doing nonverbals, right, that's an active position doing the nonverbals that show you're not listening, you're you're actually overwhelmed on the inside with your emotion. Particle System is, is, you know, on guard, and they're fighting. And so it's really hard to even take in information during that time. And that's why stonewalling is so difficult, because a lot of times the couple will think that you know, the one who was saying all the words will think that they're saying it to a person who should be listening, because they look like that they're sitting there, even if they're not saying anything, they look like they're at least on the receiving end of their words. But when you're when you're still stonewalling, you just can't process it. You can't take in the information.

Zandra Polard 6:58
And he knows when I'm stonewalling because, like when I do it, my nonverbals are like, you know, my eyes are rolling. My nose is flaring, you know. So it's kind of obvious for me. But anyhow, I digress. Before you came on, I was talking about how difficult relationships can be whether it is a spouse, a friend, a family member, you know, and I do have to say that, even with my girlfriends, you know, I, you know, was very quick to hang up the phone, you know, stop all communication. But I've learned to just kind of sit back and let them talk. Let them get out what they have to say. And then when there's a little bit of silence, I'll jump right on in there and say what I have to say?

Unknown Speaker 7:56
And is that going? Is that going better for you then for learning a tolerance for not just shutting everything off? You know, and hanging up the phone when you're upset?

Zandra Polard 8:07
Oh, absolutely. So it's also I'd have to say, you know, working with my anger management as well.

Unknown Speaker 8:17
Yeah, well, all that. I mean, that is part of anger management, right. You're you're learning an intervention that allows you to still engage, and compartmentalize some of the anger for the moment. Yes. So you're teaching your brain to do different things? Yes, because

Zandra Polard 8:36
I want a different outcome. You know, I'm not one to, you know, I'm not a part of the canceled culture, like, I'm never going to talk to you again. You know, it's like, I still have those friendships that are 2530 years, you know. So, you know, it's really important, the communication style that I, you know, have with loved ones.

Unknown Speaker 8:57
Yes. Yeah. And most of the time, it's going to be similar across the board, you're gonna find that because you will attract similar people, whether they're intimate partners, or best friends or even the people that you gravitate to as co workers.

Zandra Polard 9:16
Yes. Well, we won't talk about co workers because I've started a new job and they're probably listening this weekend. So I'm not gonna say much other than Hello. Kitty out. Tell us what you're doing. Dr. Mullen. I mentioned the coaching through chaos. I love that name. Mm hmm. I love it because it is so true. Yes,

Unknown Speaker 9:43
it it has double meaning it is about originally it was my doctorate work in chaos theory and psychology and using a model in chaos theory as a way of mapping people through major changes in life that I kind of carved out and kind of That was theorized on when I was running a large drug rehab. But it turned out that it is a very relatable business thing for a therapy practice. So it has been very good to me. To help keep the phone ringing, I get calls all the time where people say, Well, I definitely need to talk to you because of all the chaos in my life. Yeah. So it's kind of worked. Well, for me over the years now,

Zandra Polard 10:27
the name has a double entendre. I just want to say that, yeah, there you go. So I know you've written a couple of books. Can you remind us of those books? And do you have something coming up?

Unknown Speaker 10:42
Sure I to. Right now, I'm very much promoting my new journal. It's a mindfulness journal. And it's called My mindful reflections. And it's a daily journal for better mental health. And you can find that on Amazon. And just go put in my mindful reflections, and you'll find it and and then I also have the 60 day plan for embracing your inner leader, which is a leadership workbook for women. And, and currently, I am now working on recording the new episodes getting ready to launch my next podcast project, which is called love unboxed the love and bust podcast, I'm tripping over it. I haven't said it out loud too much,

Zandra Polard 11:31
though. Love. Boxed. Right. Okay, it's for

Unknown Speaker 11:36
the hopeful romantic for those people who just haven't given up on love. And, like, still don't quite know if they're gonna get it. Right. So this is a question based show where I take a question from one of the listeners and record an episode around that question for them. Okay.

Zandra Polard 11:57
So the listener can be single or married, right? Yes. Okay. Yes,

Unknown Speaker 12:02
there are a lot of a lot of hope for romantics kind of going, Gosh, I hope my partner of 20 years. So I hope that we can have what I wanted, or what we had a little while ago, you know, and kind of get that back.

Zandra Polard 12:16
Right. When are you going to get back to the love? Yeah, that would be me.

Unknown Speaker 12:23
Well, I did see that you had a very lovely family vacation, it looked like and I thought I thought of you and I thought of our conversation. And I think Gosh, it looks like she's doing something different.

Zandra Polard 12:35
Yes, yes. It was so very, oh, we were very, very happy. And you know, I took the kids this year, which was very nice. I hadn't done that before.

Unknown Speaker 12:48
Oh, well, that was nice. Yeah. It looked like everybody had a blast. Yeah,

Zandra Polard 12:53
did we did my sister orchestrated that whole thing. And so I want to thank her thank yous and Anita for putting the family vacation together and looking forward to next year. So anyhow, let's talk about those who are married. Right? Let's talk about those who are married those who have been married and dating

Unknown Speaker 13:22
yet, right. So, you know, the question that comes up is, you know, how long you know, like, a lot of times is like, how long should I wait, after getting divorced today? You know, Can I just jump back in? You know, and they just want to go a lot of times,

Zandra Polard 13:40
I think it depends on your age, though. What do you think? Well?

Unknown Speaker 13:45
Well, you know, I think it depends on what a person wants more so than their age, and, and kind of what they what they've witnessed along the way, but what we do know is that people who have been married once and divorced, will more than likely try to get, you know, attempt a marriage again. And so there are, you know, the divorce rate has held steady, they're not great numbers. But and they do get worse with the more multiple marriages that you have. But it does say though, that people who have been married want to be successful in marriage, they want to stay in a marriage or they want to find that kind of lifetime partner so they keep going for it. So I call myself part of that crowd and that's the hopeful romantic crowd. And, but I do have things to show of how it can be what people need to go through to understand how to have it be different for them in the future. Right. Because some people and as far as like, you know, how long does somebody wait? It you know, Some, some marriages are over for years and a person really is ready to date when they get out. What I tell a person to do any person is no matter how happy the or how amicable the divorce may be, I still encourage them to wait until the paperwork is, is filed and done like that they are divorced, just because there's, there's usually loose ends, there usually stress, even in the friendliest of divorces, there can be things that come up, because you're talking about money, sometimes, you know, the child custody arrangements, you're talking about what you're going to do about your Social Security and your retirement funds. So there's a lot that can get people triggered in a divorce, even when it's friendly. And if you bring someone else new into that energy, you know, you're not 100% available for a committed relationship to someone new. So if that's, you know, if you find yourself dating, and you're wanting a committed relationship, you probably are going to be better off waiting just a few more months until your divorce is final, before you look, or really start trying to submit yourself in a new relationship.

Zandra Polard 16:20
That makes a lot of sense, because you know, then you're going to start treating the new person like the old person. Right? So

Unknown Speaker 16:27
they, not necessarily they, I mean, of course, of course, that would be an unexamined person, right? Like that person is also the unexamined person who just goes right back into it, when the mud is still wet on the other side of town, right? You know, but what what we're, how how I'm trying to conceptualize it is, you know, they're building easily relationship, if you want a committed relationship, you're looking at building a foundation, and you can't, you know, an end a relationship is like constructing a house, you're constructing a bond, you want it to last a long time, you don't want a lot of things that you need to repair in the future, right, just like a home that you build. And if one person isn't 100% available to that new foundation, it's going to leave it cracked, and then the house won't build the way that it should, right. It's not unstable ground. So you want to be on a stable emotional ground when you enter into a new relationship. You know, if you're out dating after a divorce, and or while divorcing, and looking for a committed relationship. So on that note, you know, men are more likely to remarry within five years after a divorce. They seem to go men who have been married are have a tendency to like partnership, and they miss it and they miss what men, there are books on health care. And I can name one right now it's been a while since I've read it. But there are books out there on making a case for men really enjoying partnership and benefiting from marriage differently than women, that there weren't a lot of benefits for women to be married because of the extra duties that we tend to take on. But But men No, of course, then on the flip side of that men benefit they get they get more traditionally, it's seen as men get nurturing, they get someone who's gonna help them around the house, they get someone who

Zandra Polard 18:39
help make for him. My good, yeah,

Unknown Speaker 18:42
well, in the emotional stuff, they get someone who helps them be more social, because a lot of men will pair up with women that are more social than them, and they make their friends set through the relationship. So men have a tendency to look for partnerships and remarry sooner than women do. Although, you know, there's two in the game, so the women will remarry also,

Zandra Polard 19:07
well, the reason why I mentioned the age because just because anecdotally I know, some female friends who are like, I don't even want to be bothered, they're like so happy that they don't even have to use any extra energy to deal with apart.

Unknown Speaker 19:25
See, that's so interesting. And that's why it's such a case by case basis, because anecdotally, I have some friends too, and I see them in the in the late 50s or so at age range, and they are jumping into feet in and they're like well, the worst that can happen is I'm gonna have a good time for a little while and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work like that they're jumping in like committing and being like intertwining their lives really fast and I can't say one way or the other is that because, you know, I'm not playing therapist with my friends, but I Uh, you know, a lot of times you want to look at, what are the things that happened, that will make your new relationship last and be stronger. So, you know, I'm not going to say that everybody that jumps in later in life is more or less, better off, right or worse off. But what some of the things that anybody should look at when they've gotten divorced, and they want to date again, and seeing if they're ready, is really, number one is like understanding what happened in the last marriage. Like, if you don't understand why it ended, you know, there can be some reasons for that, that you didn't get the information if you weren't the one initiating it. But even and so on one hand, if you know what the reason was, is that something that, you know, you've figured out how you're not going to have that in a relationship again, right? So

Zandra Polard 21:01
the same stuff if you're not right, you know, making a conscious effort to make a change? Yes. Okay.

Unknown Speaker 21:07
Yeah. And the, the other part of that is, is they didn't get the information because maybe they were intimate, miserable situation for a while, or maybe somebody left impulsively. But if there was such cut off, that they don't have the information as to why their marriage, they're, you know, they've made this legal commitment, and religious and spiritual commitment to each other. If they weren't able to get that information, then where was the avoidant person? Was it their partner, that wouldn't give the information? Was it then that said, Well, say don't want to tell me I don't want to ask, right? And how do they how do they not be in that part of the relationship? Again, if they're the avoidant person, they're not going to, they're going to end up in a similar situation, but good to look at that so that they can at least minimally ask and state what they need in a relationship. So So there's so even when you're not getting all the information, there's something you can do on your own to go like, wait a minute, but that says something about either me or the person I was with, as far as communication style goes, and how do I not have that again? So that's what you'd be looking at no situation. Okay.

Zandra Polard 22:22
Well, yeah, hey, y'all is Dr. Callie Mullen. She is a wonderful guest on my show. Like I said, she's been on before and I thank you and I welcome you to come back again. Please give our listeners your social media handles or whatever information you'd like to give out.

Unknown Speaker 22:43
Well, thanks Sondra, a really, it's always fun. No, it goes so fast. So I met coaching through Yeah, I met coaching through chaos.com. That's where you can find my work, you can find get a session with me, you can find links to the podcasts and the books as I publish them. And also, my old show coaching through chaos. It's still on every podcast player you can find. And it's a self help Show Interview based. And if you subscribe to that, you're going to get a whole database full of self help episodes, and from experts in psychology and managing life. And you'll also get the announcement for when love unboxed is launching. So I hope to have it launched by November 1, maybe a little earlier. If I scramble on things, but coaching through chaos is the is what you need to remember on social media, Dr. Colleen Mullen on Instagram.

Zandra Polard 23:41
That's right, Doctor, thank you so much. And we'll talk again soon. All right, okay. All righty, 91.5, jazz and more listeners. This is your girl Zondra poll art. It's where I am is on every Saturday at 7:30am. And we'll talk again soon. Hey, next week, we're going to have the male perspective. So we're going to have see Reggie Rogers who is the relationship expert or as he says the number one relationship expert, so we'll get his point of view next week. Okay. All right. So I'm gonna leave you with this song that I love and it is called Never stop by the brand new heavies.

Unknown Speaker 24:50
Stop Stop, stop. Stop. Stop stop

Unknown Speaker 25:11
feel so sad

Unknown Speaker 25:20
making plans to stay young

Unknown Speaker 25:56
Stop stop Stop?

Unknown Speaker 27:31
John's

Unknown Speaker 27:43
Day

Transcribed by https://otter.ai