It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:48
Oh, is Zondra Paula, good morning, welcome to, it's where I am. You know, I don't know if you missed last week's show or not. It's where I am.com the conversation I had with Madison Gally. She and I talked about having sex, and how healthy it is for your relationship. But today, we are talking about real love versus reality TV love. What's the real deal? What should we be? You know, is this the model for us? is looking at reality TV going to help us with our relationship? What's the difference? You know, now we have social media, people are dating online. Thank the Lord above, I never had to. Because I don't know how I would navigate that. You know, I do enjoy watching reality TV. And I love when people are falling in love, or just the idea of falling in love. Because I reflect back on, you know how I fell in love with my man. But, you know, there's people out there who are struggling, who are still searching for that real love. And so today, I have a special guest who's been on before. And that is Louisa Eiler. She is a clinical social worker. And she is also a marriage facilitator and Relationship Expert. Welcome to the show, Louisa.

Unknown Speaker 2:35
Thank you for having me.

Zandra Polard 2:37
Oh, it's so great to have you on again. So honey Chow, please explain to us what we should be looking for. When dating, you know, we look at reality TV all the time. And we say oh, you know, I want to find love like that. Like let's say the bachelor, right? But it doesn't always happen that way. And that's not always the model for us. So give us some tips and pointers. What is real love versus reality TV love?

Unknown Speaker 3:15
Well, there's a very good question, because sometimes we get confused. But when you think about really searching for love, and a compatible partner, you hopefully can find those two things in the same person. A lot of times, that's difficult. But I think it genuinely comes down to compatibility. You know, compatibility is that key factor to any successful and long lasting relationship. And that compatibility includes your values, your interest, your goals, and your lifestyle. Because if you're not compatible, let's just face it, even though you might have great chemistry, that true compatibility has to become the primary motivator for the relationship to continue. And I and I say that with there's, there's a couple of really great examples I like to use. One is, you know, oil and vinegar. It's delicious. And it's really spicy when you show Yeah, and it goes together that if you but if you let that sit on the shelf for a while, it's gonna separate great analogy, right? But if you have less but if you say you have like chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream and you put stuff together and you stir it all up is not coming apart. You know? So it's just is this example of, you know, when you truly get together, does it work? And you know, there's this stuff like on online dating I was reading an article today about when should you meet or how long is too long to wait before you need in person and what if you spend all this time talking you're not compatible? You know? It's a kind of like a one night stand that turns into like a two day date turns into I'm still there after the weekend, because it, it's given you a chance to meet in an unexpected situation. And then to observe each other in your natural environment, and then really see what someone's like in their own world, because it's really easy to have this fantasy vacation style relationship where you go out to dinner all the time, or you're going to amusement parks, or you're going to paint and sips or all of these different things. But it's really that they'll say far Nantais, that sweetness of doing nothing. And when you find that person that you want to do nothing with, that means you can do everything with them. Well,

Zandra Polard 5:39
don't be like me, I don't want to do nothing all the time. So take me out.

Unknown Speaker 5:45
Well, I mean, yes, obviously. But when you're happy and content with, you know, minimal, you know, inputs needed, you just genuinely care for that person, and you truly are compatible, you know, you'll be able to make something out of nothing, right? Because people think they have to have these glamorous dinners or these fancy shows. And while those things are great, you know, entertainment factors for relationship, most people couldn't sustain that day in and day out for years and years and years one, and today, it's the fight. It's not just, it's not really affordable for the average dating couple. And then two, it's just, it's exhausting. You know, going day after day after day,

Zandra Polard 6:26
but what can we learn from reality TV? What are some lessons we can learn from there? Because, you know, even though we're seeing, you know, they're doing all of this great stuff all the time, and we want to do it too. You know, what is our takeaway from watching this stuff?

Unknown Speaker 6:44
Well, I think a couple of things. Number one, we have to really be, we have to, first and foremost, you have to be able to differentiate between entertainment versus reality. Right? So when you're looking at dating shows, like the bachelor or love Island, that type of stuff is created for entertainment purposes. And you know, while the contestants might genuinely be looking for love, a lot of the format of the show still involves scripts that are heavily edited content to create the drama and the suspense. And so what happens is, a lot of the times the stuff you see on TV doesn't accurately represent real life dating, you know, sometimes real life dating feels like that fifth inning stretch when it just like goes on and on and on. Are we still dating? Are we exclusive, or we're taking it to the next level? So it's, it's not always these high intensity moments? There's

Zandra Polard 7:33
one that I'm really liking. And it's it involves getting married? Without knowing the other person? I'll say that.

Unknown Speaker 7:45
Are you not gonna? Yeah, like the, like the instant fiance. grew? Or? Yeah, and

Zandra Polard 7:50
what I like about that is that they have relationship experts that put them together. So they don't have to go through all of the, you know, are we really compatible kind of thing. So that seems more realistic. I'm sorry, that seems more, you know, real to me. If I could have that if I could have someone to, you know, match make me with the perfect person.

Unknown Speaker 8:18
Those shows do have limited success. But I will tell you, the only limitation is that sometimes people truly don't know themselves. And so when they're answering this question that the experts are asking, what's happening is they're telling the experts what they think the experts want to hear, or they're projecting an ideal version of their self. That's not really true. And so I often think that those shows could be enhanced a little bit or even improved by instead of only asking the person that's going to potentially be the spouse, but to ask their friends and ask their witnesses to make sure that what they're saying is really true. You know, what I would love and Louisa is expert dating fantasy. Fantasy world is kind of like LinkedIn, if dating sites could give you endorsements from past people you've dated, to actually verify that you dated that person, because then it would truly become legit, because right now, it's all like, you know, self reporting, you know, it's a, it's this very convoluted thing as a therapist. You know, I've had my, my fill of online dating, even for my own personal self. And I would say, after a time, I would start reading men's online dating profiles, and I started responding to them, like, you know, gear alone, me and Yonkers. You know, while your profile seems appealing Do you realize you're sending off this message? I'm sure I'm not the one for you that your profile?

Zandra Polard 9:45
Well, but I would imagine, oh, go ahead. Go to real.

Unknown Speaker 9:50
I was just gonna say a lot of times it's your versus pretend self. And a lot of times people want to date but then if you look at your own self, it's like what I date Why would date me You have to be honest, maybe now this version of yourself is reformed and eloquent and has had years of experience and it's kind of, you know, molded yourself into this, you know, good, authentic, you know, competent, capable, yourself, but a lot of good because you know, as a therapist, this is what I get from a lot of couples married and dating, I just don't feel like I have any intimacy with my husband, you know, like, or my wife or my partner, or my lover. And what what people don't realize is if you go back to like this, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the foundational needs that people have, or food, clothing, water, shelter, sleep, sex, homeostasis, excretion, stuff like that. The second level of that pyramid is safety, security, employment, health. And then the third level is love, intimacy and belonging. If you're so worried about how you're paying your bills, and your job is shaky, and you're not taking good care of yourself, and you're not sleeping good, guess what, you're only having sex, that's not really intimacy, because until you're safe, it's difficult to be really infinite. Very good. People miss that all the time. You know, and if you're worried about your bank account, or you're worried about, you know, losing your job, or you're worried about somebody, even in your family, or your friends circle, that might be really ill, or your children depend on you heavily. And you're and you're still struggling to figure out how you're going to make ends meet. A lot of the times your instincts are just that they're just primal, and you're not, you're not comfortable and relaxed enough to truly experience that full throttle of intimacy. And when you get to that level, you know, sometimes you can bypass it, and you can, you know, train with the karma suture or chain with you know, you know, different deep breathing rhythmic, so that you can get yourself to a place of safety may be in the four walls of a hotel room where there's no distraction, there's not a dog barking, there's not the washing machine. So you can create this pseudo safety, but it's not sustainable. And this, you always have to remove yourself from situations or from your home life to get those moments where you can have these brief and

Zandra Polard 12:06
understand from that is the sex therapy session we had last week, which that is called maintenance six. That's what I learned maintenance sex, it is important. But you know, you want to have more than just the maintenance sex, you want to have that intimacy, intimacy, like you're talking about, right?

Unknown Speaker 12:31
Yeah, and surely, when you're able to care for yourself, and you know that if something happened to you, your partner could care for you. And vice versa, that takes that intimacy to a whole nother level. Because you know, that the person you're with, is for you. Not is for you, or is yours, but they are 100% in your corner, they're your cheerleader, they're your champion, you know, they want your life to be good, just as much as you want your life to be good. And when you find that, you know it there, you're never second guessing that it feels good, that there's, there's no obstacles, you're not questioning it, you know, it's just as right. And conversely, with reality TV shows, what happens is you have first of all a limited selection, right? So in these reality TV shows, they only have these people to choose from. So it narrows the pool, it creates a safe boundary, right? In the real world. Right? You have anyone you want. You know, and then also on reality TV shows this, this pressure to perform, you know, so often they're creating quicker connections, you know, for the sake of the show's narrative, and the decisions get rough. And so they're somewhat artificial versus authentic relationships. And then also, there's public exposure, and then there's true success stories versus reality. You know, I think what's fascinating is, you know, how these reality shows have different influences on expectations. And I think, you know, that's what happens, you know, people tend to get infatuated with the influence that can happen, that doesn't necessarily align with what real relationships are, like,

Zandra Polard 14:16
you know, a lot of times the guys out there, you know, there's so opposed to watching these relationship, reality TV shows, but you'll find that they'll watch them to just be quiet. They'll sit there and watch it. You know, and my thought, when I can get my husband to pretend like he doesn't, you know, when he stops pretending like he doesn't want to watch it is to take some tips about some of the romance that's going on. So that's my little getaway, with my partner, because I'm not dating, you know, but you know, you still want to always date well Oh, you're married. That's super important.

Unknown Speaker 15:05
Yes, and you know what dating or dating does is dating in a way gives you goals because it's like, hey, tonight on our date, we're gonna go out to dinner. So whether you realize it or not that act of going out to dinner, that's the goal for today, or that's the goal for the date. Too many times in relationships, especially even after you're married, is, you know, the goal is to crash out, Oh, we got to go to the grocery store. Instead, you know, having, you know, interests outside of the home making duties, you know, because we have to remember, you know, just sustain a relationship, you know, you have to have also the compatibility in the life goal, and resilience, because life is going to be full of ups and downs, like things are going to happen in each of your life that are going to, you know, take away from kind of like this idealistic life you have, because real life, you know, has consequences and love and death and things that happen within that. But within that, you know, you have to remember that you're, before you were a wife, or a husband, or a partner or a lover, you were a woman or you were a man, or you were the creature who had unique needs, and people forget that you have to take the best care of yourself. In order for you to be the best lover for your

Zandra Polard 16:22
simple quit taking your home, your work home. That's number one. Don't take your work home. And go out and get that mani and pedi or you know, kept that intimate massage with one another. Go out on your date and have nice dinner. And like Madison said, have sex before the date? Yes, sex before sex. I

Unknown Speaker 16:50
would also say a lot of Yeah, I think you know, too many times people have gotten hung up on the Steve Harvey mentality, which is, you know, act like a man thinks like a woman or things like a man as like a woman is this concept. So, you know, as a five time guests on the Steve Harvey Show, and he did an excellent job on trying to find my husband all the way eventually found. My wife and I worked

Zandra Polard 17:16
with Steve Harvey, right, I forgot about that.

Unknown Speaker 17:21
Steve Harvey made it his life's work to find me husband, I was on one of his very first shows in Chicago and I was on one of his very last shows in Chicago, you plug him into the West Coast. And they sent me on lots of dates to introduce me to lots of people. But what I found out along the way was until I fell in love with myself, I was not capable of being able to give the love and create the love that I have within myself and give it away, I was looking for someone else who would love to

Zandra Polard 17:50
do something you need to do on your

Unknown Speaker 17:55
right. And so then when you when you truly learn to love yourself, you're better able to love others. What I can say is as a clinical therapist, now these things that I've really learned through refereed research, and then also from 1000s of clients over a 15 year career is that you have to be able to know what you need. And to be able to realize that if you're waiting 30 days for the sake of waiting 30 days, and then you're already attached to someone and then you might not be compatible in an intimate way, then you're kind of stuck because it's like, Oh, I really liked this person. But this doesn't do it for me. Or conversely, you've gotten attached to someone who might not be good for you. Because you spent all this time waiting and getting to know them. And then you might have no obligations or shared experience or, or things that come up that are going to keep you together because now you've created an attachment because you spent so much of the 30 days with them. That you know you can still be a self respecting woman or man and have an intimate encounter with someone that doesn't make you a bad person. But does it make you less self respecting I read a really good book recently called the ethical slut, and it's really about the art of being able to

Zandra Polard 19:19
Okay, go on. And so it really

Unknown Speaker 19:21
talks about this pleasure principle, that there's no reason why you can't be satisfied and be kind of a huntress and and know what you need in life to satisfy you and then decide later if there's longer term capability. It doesn't always have to be the cart before the horse where you're building up to this long term relationships, some encounters that you have.

Zandra Polard 19:42
I would think someone like that was obligated to be with the other person. No way. When that

Unknown Speaker 19:49
fits sometimes people do they think that if you have an intimate account or someone that oh no, now you should be a couple because the Bible says that, you know that that's what you're supposed to do find a partner and you know procreate and live happily ever after. Or, you know, your family or your peer groups might say, oh, like how could you like just be casually dating or hobbyist casual encounters, but this is how you figure things out, then you have a couple of first time jobs before you got that real job that you had, didn't you? Like, take a few classes before you got your degree? I think it's this whole idea of, we can't be ashamed of activities that we do that are helping us learn more about ourselves. You know, people always say to me, like, oh, what's your favorite vacation spot? Or what's your favorite drink? Or in the context of, you know, this conversation? What's your favorite sexual position? My answer is going to be I hope I haven't found it yet. Right? This is this whole idea that you know what, we should be always on these quests to keep to keep going on this personal growth and experience new things about ourselves. Because if we just keep putting our life on repeat, yeah, it's all it's gonna be. It's gonna be new actors in the same episode of our life over and over again. Yeah, no, no, no, I think no, no. Okay. Oh, I was just gonna say, you know, one thing that's trending kind of right now, in this Bachelorette, Bachelor phase is this idea that now they have a golden bachelor. And I don't know if you've taken a look at this dude. But he is 71 years old. And he looks kind of like Bradley Cooper in our way. Like, he is a good looking man. But he

Zandra Polard 21:25
didn't know what that was the golden bachelor. So someone in their in later in life, and old person.

Unknown Speaker 21:33
Okay, he's later in life. But he has a he has good looking, he first of all, he doesn't look 71. And when you look at all the women, and they're mixed races, mixed cultures, all the bachelorettes that they've chosen for him. And these women, if their ages are all 50 and up, and let me tell you, if you take a look at that website, these women are beautiful. They they look like these, I guess you know, 50 6070 is the new 40. I mean, these women have taken impeccable care of themselves. But when you read their bios and their stories, of their love of their losses of the children, some of them are grandmothers. It's so authentic. And it really brings this real world kind of like rabid talk to this show. Because, you know, not everybody can just watch 20 somethings that are just a different version of this 90210 mentality is great. Life is

Zandra Polard 22:25
awesome, right? So, um, these people in their golden years, you know, like you said, they've been around the block, they've been married before, they've not been single out this bachelor hasn't been single for 71 years.

Unknown Speaker 22:42
No, you read it, he has a beautiful story. He had lost his wife, I think in 2017 has just kind of been single since then. But he had, you know, beautiful marriage for a number of years. And it's a really telling story. Because when you think about truly what makes this show so special is there's something in life called the Erikson stages of development. And it talks about how at a certain ages that we should embody different, you know, themes throughout our life, you know, when you're, when you're young, you, you're trying to figure out hope, and then it's will and then its purpose, and then it's competence, and then it's fidelity, and then it's love, and then it's care. But by the time you get to these golden years over 55. And for some people, it's a little younger, but generally speaking, you should have, you'll either be in a state of despair, or you will be in a state of wisdom, meaning you either will have feel that you lived a life of integrity, or you will have regrets. And what's really beautiful in these stories now it's, you know, because of the ages of the contestants, and the participants, you know, the show is filled with wisdom. And it's just got this beauty to it. That could not be delivered by the 2030 and even 40 Somethings that we're still trying to figure out love until they

Zandra Polard 23:56
have a new demographic they can suck into the idea of love. There you go. So, Louisa, before I let you go, I want you to tell us what you've been up to what you're doing, and any information you'd like to give our listeners. Well,

Unknown Speaker 24:15
I recently got at the end of August. Thank you. And then he said, I love Las Vegas. You know what a beautiful city. You know, you can go to the shows, you know, every night of the week, the Bellagio, no matter how long it's been there, it never disappoints, the skyline, the High Roller the sunsets and let's not forget the fear like this amazing thing now. So thank you for for sharing Las Vegas with me. I think the first time I came there for an extended time, you know what through. So I'm newly engaged. I'm working on my doctorate in grief counseling. And, you know, I'm planning a wedding and I'm probably going to do something non traditional and have a fun where I have weddings. You know, and I'm really looking forward to the next chapter in my life, I do feel like I was always the bridesmaid, never a bride. And so I'm really anxious to come back to you, you know, you know, six months or a year from now and say, These are the things that I've learned in the first year of marriage. And I think that to the listeners who are listening thinking that I may never find someone or you know, I will just say this. I was down and out, had been through the trenches of love had my purple heart and heartbreak. And one night I went to a concert in my pajamas because my friends dragged me out of bed to come there. Oh, I met my now fiance in my pajamas at a concert. So for those of you listening, you will find love and love will find you when you least expect it. So just live your best life and take the best care of yourself and truly the rest beautiful well

Zandra Polard 25:58
said well, I want to thank everyone out there for tuning in to 91.5 Jazz and more. It's where I am is on every Saturday at 7:30am and if you've missed any portion of this radio show you can go to it's where I am.com So I'll talk to you all next week and have a great day so now we're going to listen to a little bit of Bill weathers lovely day

Unknown Speaker 26:49
when I wake up in the morning and the sunlight hurts something with bears heavy then I look at you and the world all right with just one look at you and I know it's gonna be

Unknown Speaker 27:48
when the day the ladder seemed impossible someone else instead of always seems to know the way I look at you and the world all right we'll just one look at you and I know it's gonna be

Unknown Speaker 28:50
seemed impossible and when someone else instead of always seems to know when they're looking at you right just one

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