It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:52
Good morning, Las Vegas, it's Zondra. It's where I am. Hope everyone's feeling good and energized. Early this morning. It is about 7:30am. As that's when the show comes on every week. Today, we are talking we're going to continue our conversation with Dr. Mullen a little bit later. I just want to get a little bit more out of her in terms of those relationships. So we're going to continue on with that topic. But first, I want to thank my new sponsor, our D Evans enterprises. They are a general contracting, design and build company. They've done things in the form shops here in Las Vegas, business parks, office warehouses, and doctor's offices. So rd Evans enterprises is your go to for commercial building. Alrighty. So thank you. Now, I want to talk about these relationships. mind being the highlight of the day. Because I was trying to pull some personal stuff out, I was trying to get a little therapy last week, and it wasn't quite working. So we're going to attempt to do that again. I saw something on Facebook this morning, saw Michelle Obama, talking about what our relationship looked like when she was like at the five year state when she was at the seven year stage, and what it looks like today. So obviously, they look very different. Right? What your what your relationship was, like, when you first got together? I'm sure it was all peaches and cream and fireworks bursting. And then you hit five years, and it's like, can you take out the trash? You know, and then you look seven years later, and then maybe it the relationship is recharged and is much better. I'm not speaking for Michelle. But I could definitely relate to what she was, you know, talking about. And then, you know, what I want to get into with Dr. Mullen is when people think that your relationship is perfect. You know, I'm sure a lot of people look at the Obamas and think, oh, they have the perfect relationship. Well, Michelle laid it out on Facebook today. Okay, they do not be work on it. It's a constant work process. But what we also need to understand and identify is when that process is no longer working, and is like, Hey, I think I'm moving on. And you don't you know, you're never quite sure. Because sometimes, you know, you can give up too early. Right? Sometimes you have to wait and weather the storm. And then oftentimes, it's like, this storm has been lasting for 789 10 years. And it things are not changing. So when do you make that change? To make your circumstance better for yourself? Okay, so we'll get into that later. You know, I want to tell you about my weekend. I spent it with one of my very best friends and her new boo. Yeah, she has a new boo. She's been on the air before here on it's where I am. Her name is Nicole Andes. You can pull up her show on my website, which is it's where I am.com and you can now Uh, here's some of the things that she had to talk about. So my best friend she is recently became blind maybe about 10 years ago. And she has a daughter, who is on the autism spectrum. So she deals with a lot. And, you know, maybe about six months ago or so, we were talking about her dating, very beautiful woman. And she felt like she wouldn't find love again. And Gosh, darn it, she did. And I'm just so happy for her. And Don, want to give a shout out to a goal and Dawn, and also, Dawn son read. Hey, you guys, I just want to thank you for a great, fabulous weekend, I needed some time away from the Hubby, and from the kids and all the stress. And it was just a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, we went on the shooting range, and I shot all kinds of weapons. It was such a stress reliever. Now that has nothing to do with what I'm going through with my relationship. I just want to say that. But it was just a nice fun thing to do something I rarely get to do. And it was an amazing time. And I do recommend it for you know, a stress reliever. Anyhow, let's see if Dr. Mullen is on the line. Let's get into, you know, when when should How long should you stay? When should you go? What should you do when you have those relationship woes with your significant other? Dr. Molina, you're on the line. Thanks for having me. Yeah, absolutely. You know, I was trying to dig last week. And so, you know, I said, Well, let me just invite her back. I have some more. Appreciate that. Yes, yes. I had more questions. I think I was kind of digging to find out. You know, how long should you? When do you realize that the relationship is basically not over but ready to go to the next stage in terms of going your separate ways?

Unknown Speaker 7:20
Mm hmm. Yeah, well, you know, a lot of factors play into it. But one of the most important factors is that are both partners depart. Number one, do both partners see a need for change? Right. So one might think that they need a change something wrong in the relationship, the other person thinks like, it's fine. And maybe that maybe it's not a great relationship, but by their standards, it works. And they're satisfied with the status quo. So that relationship is going to struggle if they don't see a need for change, and they resist that. And, you know, and if both partners see a need for change, that it is working together for that change, not also waiting for like one to make a change, that will affect both of them, it usually takes both to work together and be open to that. Yeah,

Zandra Polard 8:21
I understand completely. And then also, I think, starting with yourself, before having any any expectation for the other, right?

Unknown Speaker 8:32
Well, spiritually, if one person thinks that there's like, a strong need for change in the other doesn't. And on the surface, it does look like a like an okay, relationship, but maybe one partner after some years, is you bored, or they're not excited anymore? By the partner, I would look and see, is there something that the partner who wants change? Is there something within them that they're longing for? And can that be something that they can look to, to make changes in their life, that can affect the relationship or can affect their satisfaction in the relationship since the other partner is pretty

Zandra Polard 9:07
satisfied? And also communicate to the other person, you know, that needs that, you know, that is not being fulfilled?

Unknown Speaker 9:18
Yes, and being in it, and being clear about it, that it is something you know, have an idea of what they want to see as the change. You know, if it's, I want to, I want to argue less than it's, well, how do we repair after a fight? Right? How do we, how do we not get into the same fights over and over again, because a lot of couples have repeat arguments. Not always about the same thing, but about the same theme.

Zandra Polard 9:51
Yeah. Well, okay. So let me let me give an example of what I do. Yeah. So when we're when my husband and I are in in in an argument I will shut down. And I just won't say anything. So I guess that's called the silent treatment, right?

Unknown Speaker 10:08
You can call it the silent treatment. It's also called stonewalling in in. In a certain theory, it's called stonewalling. And tell me what happens to you when I mean, if you do want to go into it, and I'll kind of ask you about your situation there in the arguments, like what happens to you in the moment that you shut down?

Zandra Polard 10:30
I completely just shut down. I'm totally quiet. And then if he continues to press me, I just have to start praying. Lord, give me peace.

Unknown Speaker 10:42
You know, and that is, that is, that is exactly the definition of stonewalling. So that is you are, so he's pressing you for something. So he might be whether he's escalated in tone or not, he's agitated and wants to keep the argument going or wants to get to a resolution, and you just can't hear it anymore. And you shut down or you don't see the end of the problem. So you shut down and stop. And what you're doing when you start praying is you're trying to calm yourself down and literally thinking, Well, gosh, if I just sit here quietly, and maybe pray a little bit, pray for him to stop, right like he'll shut down to, that's a typical action of stonewalling, you're trying to calm yourself down, because although he might be the one that seems escalated, you're as escalated on the inside, even though you're not showing it because you're being so stoic and shutting down. And so, so couples, this is a great example. So So I often work with couples to help them untangle this dynamic. So I'm going to guess in those in that moment, you know, without knowing anything else, my first thing would be to say, you know, when that starts to happen, that you and your husband talk about, you know, what, I just get overwhelmed in these arguments. Like, I need to take a break, like, let's take a 15 minute break, like, you know, I had a couple of ones would say the train is coming. And they would know that that meant that, that the the one person needed to get out of that room for a minute and walk around for about 2030 minutes, but it assured the partner who, like yours, wants to wants to get it done right, then he probably doesn't like the idea of you're shutting down, he wants to kind of go, well, let's sit and figure this out. Or let's argue it and get it done now. So when you when you take that break, you you have an agreement, that you're going to come back together and get an opportunity to talk about it, it may be in 30 minutes, or it may be tomorrow when everybody's cooled down and takes a real emotional break from the moment and can get their heads straight and go, You know what, last night, when we argued about this thing, what really tripped me up was when you said this, or when I said this, I didn't mean it that way, you know, and you start kind of being more clear in what you actually wanted to say or what you wanted to express at that moment. But when you have that agreement, it allows the person who needs the break like you who's imploding, right, like going silent, you're internalizing, you're like, gosh, I just want him to stop. So it allows you the break, and it allows him the assurance that you will allow the conversation to get finished because people get scared. And this happens so much, especially if couples argue frequently. They they say they're going to come back together and talk about it, but they don't because it can sweep it under the rug. Yeah, yes. Because then if everything's good the rest of the night, and why bring it up tomorrow if you were able to let it go. And so tomorrow turns into three months, you know, and so it really is important, though, to that the idea of taking that break is not to that you then stir it back up with all the emotions later, it's so that you can get your your thoughts together and go How did that go wrong? Like, we were only talking about, like, getting the driveway paved? And how did that turn into an argument where we're screaming at each other? Right? And so it's it you know, and these are just silly things happen where people trip into things they think they're talking about, like home remodeling, which is one that gets a lot of people, you know, and you know, what kind of countertop they want, and people will literally live without countertops for six months, because they will not talk about it because they keep arguing because one wants one stone and one wants another stone, you know, and so they just put it away and they live in a kitchen that they can't stand. So, you know. So it's really important to come back and say you know what, if we if you trip into it again, you say obviously our emotions aren't aren't ready Ready for this? Let's do it again tomorrow. Let's try it. And you just kind of keep seeing well, what is it that we're missing? How come? We're, we're tripping into that. And for you, knowing how you're, you're the Stonewall are in this couple, I would look and see like, what do you what's the thing that sets you off? You know, and you don't have to do this on the air. But you know, think about the feeling that you have, are you being talked down to? Do you feel criticized? Do you feel like he doesn't listen to you? Do you feel like he minimizes? Or do you feel like he needs to control the situation, so that then you can come back and say, you know, I need to be able to say a few things about what I feel about this thing. So that we can then get into, but I want to make sure that you hear that this is what I actually feel about this, or this is what I actually mean, when I'm talking about this thing that keeps like, I don't know, the the credit card bill or something. Right. And, and, and allow yourself some space to figure out what it is that does shut you down. So that when you're feeling that, that's the thing that says, Oh, I feel criticized. So you can say I'm feeling criticized right now. Like, can we can you either say that to me differently? Or can we just take like a little break and come together because I feel like the conversations going off off the rails here. I

Zandra Polard 16:20
love the tools you're putting in my toolbox. Thank you so much, Dr. Mullen for coming back. You've given some great advice. And if you'd like to give your information to our listeners so that they can find you, that would be great. Fantastic.

Unknown Speaker 16:37
I'm at coaching through chaos.com And that's my website where you'll find my private practice. I also have a podcast that has lots of episodes out there even though not currently creating it also called coaching through chaos. And so people can eat most easily find me on the website and and there's links to reach out to me if they have questions, or are looking for a little relationship help themselves. Love

Zandra Polard 17:06
it. Thank you so much. coaching through chaos, Dr. Mullen. Thanks for being here, Sondra. All righty. So I just want to remind everyone again, that I am so thankful for our new sponsor, rd Evans enterprise for all your commercial general contracting design and build needs. Their phone number is 602-815-9991 and the website is www. AR D Evans enterprises.com. Thank you for being a supporter of mental health awareness. Now we're going to kick it off to some music written by Dex and Robert B. Valencia. This is hope by rb music productions. This is Andre Paul art. It's where I am. Tune in next Saturday at 7:30am You can also find me on K u and v dot orc Apple Spotify Google podcast platforms and YouTube thanks bye

Unknown Speaker 18:35
you can't stay

Unknown Speaker 18:44
you been so tired ever since I was making dinner man I've been working these bones now so tired and be can barely stand on my feet can get a full night's sleep. Please have some mercy on me. Again you notice we knew that can't find someone to love you in your life. When your life don't make sense when your love is tenfold as I can't find my happiness working for a day

Unknown Speaker 19:49
full time can take in Slack, guys. So I think I'm losing unquenchable Borba This world can't be that call it just can't be that bad I need a break so I can't take this monkey off my back hurt me today can't you see that just won't be so happy and stress free so add don't walk into work today say go and make my day there's got to be under the length before these bullets for day

Unknown Speaker 21:06
I can't find a pen save

Unknown Speaker 21:24
the pain is not alone and this world is so close

Unknown Speaker 21:46
accepting

Unknown Speaker 22:34
are working on Monday

Unknown Speaker 22:55
the pay if it's worth it

Unknown Speaker 23:01
You

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