It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:45
Hey, y'all Good morning. It's Zandra Pollard, it's where I am. Thank you for tuning in to 91.5 jazz and more. Hey, I want to give a special plug to Nahas motor cars. Thank you for being a supporter of mental health and wellness. Non haz. Motor Cars buys luxury cars of different makes and models for information or quote, www, dot n, a H, A S, motorcars.com. Thank you again. Now this is the show dealing with mental health and wellness, and I had such a great time with my guests. Last week. I invited them to stay. They stayed a whole week, y'all, so we can talk some more. So I want to thank Danielle McCafferty and Dr Kennard for being here. Once again, we were talking about adolescents last week, which you can find the show on any of your major podcast platforms. Okay? So you can go to Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever it is. Go there. You can catch last week, but now we are this week. All right. Dr canard, we were talking about the children, the older ones, the ones that are going through puberty, the ones who are dealing with trauma a lot of times, the ones that are not fully developed in the head, which we all know that because most of the time, they don't make sense to me. So please help me understand. How can we better deal with adolescents, whether we have them or not, we still always deal with them somewhere, somehow, right? But I think what it comes down to is not only that adolescent who doesn't know how to maneuver or regulate their emotions, as you said last week, Danielle, is the parents that sometimes don't know how to guide them. I mean, I'm a parent of four, and I don't always have the answer, you know, so we have to be open to listening, otherwise we're not going to learn anything, right? So how can we help parents? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 3:10
and I feel like sometimes parents will bring their kids into treatment, thinking that we have, like, the secret to what's going on with their child, and they're like, just tell me the secret, but we are exploring in real time with the families. So a lot of times, it's just showing up in that investment, and that participation from the parents plays a big role. And I tell them, I'm like, You're the expert in your child. I've known them for one day, because they just got here, and you've known them for their entire life, and I know that we're the experts in mental health, you're the expert in your child, and you need both to really impact that child and the family. And I think letting the parents know that your kid is the one in treatment, but at the end of the day, your kid will go home to you. And so we work a lot with the family so that we can build the skills for the parents, too. So that way, once their child comes home, they feel confident. Well, I kind

Zandra Polard 4:04
of agree, because the kid is in treatment, but all y'all are in treatment, trust me, because when one is going through trauma, it's affecting everybody, right? Yeah. So that investment, as you said, with the parent, getting involved is so important, and I know when you're dealing with children, there are times where it is necessary for parents to come in and give you information, because, as you said, you just met the kid, you need some more background, right? Absolutely.

Unknown Speaker 4:37
Yeah, yeah. We spend a lot of time on the front end doing those assessments with the child, but a lot of that is also done with the parents too. Like you said, we need to know about their medical history, about their their mental health history, we need to know all the things so we have an understanding of what we're dealing with. And kids aren't always going to be forthcoming because we're strangers. They're like, Why should I tell

Zandra Polard 4:58
you about who I am? I'm them and the parents. Sometimes the kid will tell you everything. The parent won't tell

Unknown Speaker 5:03
you nothing. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So it's helpful to get that story from the child and from the parents. And also, you know, the perspectives are going to be different. The child comes in and they're like, this is my lived experience. And then the parents perspective is from the outside, observing what's happening with their child, which can be the same but different because they're, they've, they notice things that the child may not be able to put to words.

Zandra Polard 5:27
So you've got to get that inner and outer right, inner from the child and the outer from the parent. Yeah. Danielle, you want to chime in?

Unknown Speaker 5:39
Yeah. So from my perspective, a way that a parent can participate or help in their child's mental health is really being able to regulate yourself first so that your child can model that. So when there's in a moment of crisis, and like you may have said earlier, you just kind of want to, like, wring their neck, to take a step back and regulate your own nervous system. And a lot of people don't understand that these reactions within their bodies are chemical reactions. A lot of times they blame them on themselves. Feel shame or guilt over their reactions to things, but it's literally chemicals. It's a spike in adrenaline when someone cuts you off in traffic. It's not shaking, you know, so it's a chemical reaction that you have to be able to recognize as a parent. Now that we have fully frontal lobes that are developed,

Zandra Polard 6:32
oh, we do. I was like, no, they don't. Okay.

Unknown Speaker 6:36
So now that we are fully developed, we can start to see those signs that our nervous system is being dysregulated and take a step back. That's our responsibility as parents, as adults, as developed amygdalas, that we can move into the space of this responsibility that we need to regulate our nervous system first.

Zandra Polard 6:55
Don't curse them out so quickly. Not so quick. Yeah. Take your time. Three Wait a minute, it's like

Unknown Speaker 7:02
that gentle parenting, but with firm and kind boundaries. There

Zandra Polard 7:06
you go. Be firm, but don't curse them out. Yes, firm, kind,

Unknown Speaker 7:10
stern boundaries, whereas you're regulated in yourself so that you can provide a stable platform for them to model that behavior and process their own things, you

Zandra Polard 7:21
know? And I have to say, honestly, when there's crisis, when crisis happens, I honestly, actually get very calm, like I'm going through all my toolboxes to see how to deal with the situation.

Unknown Speaker 7:36
And that's because you've practiced. It's all these tools that you've had over the years being a mom, putting out all these fires as a school teacher. Okay,

Zandra Polard 7:44
I think I was just surprised and didn't know what to do, and you had to think for a moment, but okay, I'll take that. But there's

Unknown Speaker 7:50
all these tools that you've developed over the years. Because if you were still a six year old and somebody cut you off in traffic, I don't know, maybe you'd hit them with your car and cry or

Unknown Speaker 8:00
something, and kids are sponges. So we talked a little bit last week about how sometimes kids don't have the skills, and so as parents, we don't always have the skills, but as we are learning things, we can model that for children too, so that way they can kind of see in their natural environment how we respond to different things, and they'll pick up on that and develop those skills too.

Unknown Speaker 8:22
And that vulnerability, I think, for kids, is so important too, even with myself working with them to show them that I too, am working through things, and I still get sad and upset and angry and these are the way that I work through them. That vulnerability piece shows them that you're not just pushing them to the side or placating them. It's a real life conversation that you see them, you're listening. And

Unknown Speaker 8:46
I think, I think parents doing that in real time with their children so important too. I've had so many families who have came and were working with the child, but then the parents are like, Hey, what'd you learn today? And they are interested in learning the same skills. So that way they can practice that at home, because they, you know, see value in their kid doing it. So they're like, Well, maybe it'll benefit me too. So then we're doing it as a family, and it kind of normalizes some of that stuff too, where the kid's not just like, oh, well, these are my coping skills because I'm broken, yeah, and the family is like, No, these are life skills. And like, we're doing it together, and

Unknown Speaker 9:18
it adds accountability on all fronts, so that if a child is modeling a behavior that is positive and a parent models a negative behavior, it's going to be mirrored back at them, like, Hey, why are you doing that? So it holds everybody in the family accountable once you learn these skills and develop and implement them into the household,

Zandra Polard 9:37
that makes sense, that resonates. Because, you know, sometimes my son will say, Mom, why are you yelling at me? And

Unknown Speaker 9:43
you're like, I'm dysregulated.

Zandra Polard 9:47
But you know what? I learned this skill from a dear friend of mine. So when I used to come home from school or work or wherever, the kids would all kind of. Like, bombard me, just come at me with everything, talking to me. And when I tell you, it was so nerve wracking to come in from work or school and have so many things on my mind. And as a woman, you know, we have that second shift, you know, we gotta come home, cook, do laundry and all that stuff. To me, I'm hitting the table now, yes,

Unknown Speaker 10:23
taken after me now, yeah, but we have

Zandra Polard 10:27
this second shift, and then when all these kids are coming at you and your husband too and asking you questions, it's like, hey, I need a moment. So I had to teach them when I walk through the door, don't ask me anything. Let me go to my room, change my clothes, wash my hands, whatever I'm doing, and then I'll come out, and then we'll talk, yeah, and it seems it sounds so simple, but I didn't do it for years,

Unknown Speaker 10:55
and just that moment of peace allows you to regulate your nervous system. That's right, reintegrate with your family, have a more positive experience, instead of everybody running up like Mom, I want snacks and mom and want to go to bathroom, make

Zandra Polard 11:08
it for dinner. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 11:10
I hate that because, and that's something that I think most kids can relate to as well. Where you're like, you know, when you feel like you have a million things going on at once, whether it's like school or friends or what have you. And even if it's not like, I'm going to come home from work and then I have all my house duties, like the kids can still relate on some level. But it's finding that connection where it's like, hey, you know when you feel like you have a million thoughts in your head after you come home from school and they're like, Yeah, and it's like, that's how I feel right now. So I think you're able to build that connection of like, we experienced something, you know, similar, to help kind of model it, and also to normalize, like, Hey, it's okay for me to not be okay and for you to not be okay, but we're gonna work through

Zandra Polard 11:49
it, see, and see, this is advice from a doctor, because I wouldn't have put it quite that way, but the way you put it, it's like, okay, well, maybe I'll try saying it that way,

Unknown Speaker 11:59
because there's so much stigma, right? People feel so much pressure to have to be okay and like on it all the time, and it's like, no, we're gonna feel stuff like, and

Zandra Polard 12:06
the way we communicate it, you know, that was more so, I mean, the way we communicate, yeah, because I can commute, communicate, the same thing, but it's not gonna sound like how you said it, for sure, yeah. I mean, real talk.

Unknown Speaker 12:18
And I feel I'm not a parent, but you, both of you ladies, are, and I feel like parents hold a lot more responsibility to be perfect in the eyes of their child, so that accountability and vulnerability aspect of admitting things that you may have done wrong is even that much harder, because you want your children to view you as perfect, I mean, as their savior, their helper. I don't know if you guys could. I

Zandra Polard 12:43
don't know. I'm so busy. I I've heard my kids tell me all the time, just just, you were wrong, mom. What? Yeah. So I don't know if I've ever admitted it or not. My kids would have to testify to

Unknown Speaker 12:53
that. I haven't gotten there. Mine are only 11 months. Oh, yes. Congratulations.

Zandra Polard 12:57
You have twins. Yes, congrats. Thank you. Well, you got a long road ahead of you, two twin boys.

Unknown Speaker 13:05
Yeah, all they can say right now is Dada. Dada, that's fine.

Zandra Polard 13:10
You know, when I had my first when I was pregnant, the first time I was reading all of these psychology books because my husband, at the time, his father, was a school psychologist, and we were staying in their back house, and so who'd read, you know, some of his books. And that's when I decided I wasn't going to parent my kid the same way I was parented. You know, we grew up with corporal punishment. That's the right word to say it right, right way to say it right? Yeah, okay, we got our bleeps beat right. So I decided I didn't want to do that, you know? And it was because, well, we were two different cultures, first of all, so we had to combine, and we had to collaborate on how we were going to raise the children right? And then I was doing my own study, and so then I came up with my own way. But I have to say, sometimes I think I don't know if I should have done it that way. I mean, I'm not saying I should have beat my kids. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I don't know. I'm just saying I don't know if my approach was the right way. And so there's always that hindsight, like, Did I do it right? Yeah. But

Unknown Speaker 14:30
I feel like as a parent, you always have that that doubt, like we're just winging it all the time as parents and figuring it out as as we go. But I think you know to your point about doing things differently, there's a lot of families that come in with like intergenerational trauma. They've just done the same thing from generation to generation to generation. And it takes a lot of strength to say, I'm going to do things a little bit differently, especially because you haven't had anything else modeled for you. So it's this very novel idea. Idea, but also that those parents who are deciding to do things different are different people from their parents and their kids are different from those parents that were their kids children. So it's, you know, it's going back to like, yeah, we may have some similarities, and I could continue these patterns and things that have been modeled. But it's also just being very present for yourself and for your family and like, the current dynamics and the current needs of saying I could do things the same, or I could choose to do something different, that could be even better, you know? But

Zandra Polard 15:33
it's not always necessarily better. You know what I mean? Like, like, what like I said, when I'm thinking back, it's like, okay, so this is an example. I did things different, but then I have expectations, and those expectations are from the way I learn. So I don't I make an adjustment here, but not over there. It's in terms of the expectation.

Unknown Speaker 16:01
I feel like that's the first step though. I think a couple weeks ago, we talked about the intergenerational trauma, and just that decision to do things differently is the first step towards change, right? Whether you view it as positive or negative, that's what you thought that was correct in the moment. So that's only the only thing you can go off of, and as your children grow up, the expectations may not be aligned with what your expectations were growing up, but viewing them separately, like Julia said, as separate from you and your children and their relationship, so maybe seeing it in a different light, or, I wouldn't say, shift the expectations, but I

Unknown Speaker 16:48
think being open minded, yeah, like not being willing to go in and to see what happens, versus bringing our past expectations from past experiences into something where we're Trying different tools,

Unknown Speaker 17:00
right? Yes, yeah. I mean, it's all like Julie said, it's all brand new, so it's like an experiment and see, like, can I create kinder, more compassionate children for the world? Yeah. And

Unknown Speaker 17:10
I think something that I tell the kids a lot, that we work with, is, if you're uncomfortable, you're probably doing something right? Because it's whatever's familiar is very comfortable. You can do that with your eyes closed. When you're trying new things, you're uncomfortable, and people will automatically assume, because I'm uncomfortable, that it's bad, because it's a different experience. It doesn't feel right. They're not really connected to it yet. But every new skill you know takes that period of growing and becoming comfortable with it, so that's kind of going back to the expectations of like, just because you assume something in the moment doesn't necessarily mean that it's factual, and being open minded to it, to see, kind of what can blossom out of those new things can be really beautiful.

Unknown Speaker 17:52
Yeah, different outcomes, aside from the expectations, for sure, I love that. Well,

Zandra Polard 17:57
that makes me feel better. Thank you, Sam. I'm getting therapy on radio. Thanks. Y'all. This is such a beautiful discourse. Thank you so much for being here.

Unknown Speaker 18:11
Thank you for having us. Yes, and

Zandra Polard 18:12
you know, Danielle has given her information several times on the show. She's been here three times, so she'll give hers again. But Dr canard, can you please give us more information about sun arch Academy? Absolutely

Unknown Speaker 18:26
So. Sun arch Academy is a residential treatment facility in Las Vegas, Nevada. We specialize in working with adolescents, ages 12 to 17. We accept adolescents of all genders, from all backgrounds. We take a multitude of insurances. We try to make ourselves as accessible as possible. We are, on average, a 90 day program. We really look to have a length of stay that's going to be leading to sustainable results after treatment so we can try and reduce recidivism and equip kids with going home and staying home and not having to bounce in and out of treatment. We are multidisciplinary, so we try to offer as many services as possible, from psychiatry to pretty intensive therapy to recreational therapy nursing. So we, you know, have a lot of things in house to just make sure we can make as big of an impact as possible while someone's with us. And if someone is interested in potentially inquiring into our services, they could call our phone number at 70298276001 more time, 702-982-7600, and they can speak with our admissions department. They'll collect information to make sure that we're a good fit for that child and family.

Zandra Polard 19:51
Awesome. Yeah, we don't need recidivism. Did I say? Right? We don't want that revolving door. We want. To or you guys, I'm sure want to treat them and get them the tools that they need so that they can move on, because you have to make room for the next we got a lot of kids out here that need help. Yeah, a lot of kids and a lot of families. Absolutely, whenever

Unknown Speaker 20:15
they leave treatment, I'm like, goodbye. I

Unknown Speaker 20:17
hope I never ever see you again. Yeah, exactly. We love you, but don't come back please.

Zandra Polard 20:25
Yeah, you want to give them everything they need to fix those, those things that they need help with. Yeah? Danielle, yes, thank you so much for coming back.

Unknown Speaker 20:34
Thank you so much for having me. You

Zandra Polard 20:36
are welcome anytime. I kind of like you as a sounding board. This is kind of nice here.

Unknown Speaker 20:40
And listen all day. Yeah, okay, but you gotta talk to Oh, sometimes, okay.

Zandra Polard 20:44
So for now, can you please tell us about your facility? Yeah. So

Unknown Speaker 20:49
I design wellness programs for behavioral health centers for individuals, for corporate centers, and we really focus on somatics, trauma informed care and providing people with a lesson plan that is suited to them. I do trainings and treats and all kinds of good things. You can find me on my website. It's root R, o, o, t, the number two yoga.com and you can find me on Instagram. Danielle McCafferty, yoga. I'm really passionate about mental health, obviously, in the valley, and I'm so excited to be here and spread the word. Thank you.

Zandra Polard 21:29
And she also has a book out, I do, yeah? We talked about it a couple of weeks ago, yeah. And it's like a journal book,

Unknown Speaker 21:35
yeah? So it's a collection of mantras and musings and funny quotes that have helped me through one of the hardest times of my life. I've talked to some of the kids about it, just getting out of your mind and into something tangible can not only help you heal, but help a lot of others, because we heal as a community. So through the musings and through all the mantras, it's just a testament to everybody's strength, really.

Zandra Polard 22:06
And, you know, I spoke about it before, but I have to reiterate that I do love the book, because for those who are not journaling out there, what's the name of it? Again, you have the key. You have the key. You have the key is available on Amazon, yes. So you have the key by Danielle Daza. Daza, yes. On the book is Daza, yes. Okay. Danielle Daza, if you're not journaling, it's you can look at it and you can see, hey, she just opens up and writes what's happening in the moment. That's how I took it. Thank

Unknown Speaker 22:40
you. And it's a really good jumping off point, like you said, to start your own journal process. That's

Zandra Polard 22:44
right, if you don't know how, take a look. Yeah. I love it.

Unknown Speaker 22:48
Yeah. Dr

Zandra Polard 22:49
canard, I know there was some more things you wanted to say, but I wanted to ask you, before you get into your thing, what's a good starting point for me? I know, because my stepfather is a pediatrician. Start with your pediatrician, right? So I know that piece. The second part I know is if you don't talk to your pediatrician, you can go through your insurance. You want to find out what insurance you have and what mental health coverage you have, yeah, right. Also want to talk to your local churches. Yeah, for those who go to church, what else can we do?

Unknown Speaker 23:29
I think just you know, you talked about the insurance company, and they can really provide a lot of information on what resources are out there, because there's different levels of care, different programs, different organizations. Every place is a little bit different. So, I mean, there's places that I'm still learning about, in Vegas, and I've been here for a while, so I think just kind of exploring what's out there, and not being afraid to seek it out and to be open minded about it. You know, I think there's, you know, we're getting more progressive, where society is more open to mental health discussions and treatment, but it can still, I think we can still put stigmas on ourselves, so like, oh, I need you know mental health treatment. What's wrong with me, but I'm one of those people who thinks that therapy is for therapists also. So I think therapy is for everybody. I think especially, getting hooked up with the right therapist and the right services makes a big difference, because, like I said, every place is different. So one therapist may not be the right fit, one organization might not be the right fit. Going in and asking questions is super important. I tell parents this all the time. You should ask all the questions that will help you to make an informed decision. Don't let them say your child has to fit into a box. You tell them what your child's needs are to make sure they're a good fit for you. So I think being willing to, you know, have that empowerment of saying we have some needs. I don't know what they are, but here's what's going on. And, you know, exploring what is going. I'd feel right to that person in that family is, you know, that's powerful. That's right,

Zandra Polard 25:04
because a close they say a closed mouth doesn't get fed, exactly right, seek and you shall find right. So before you go and speak to that professional, whomever it is, write down your questions. Please be prepared to ask questions. Don't wait till you get there, because you're not going to remember everything, and a lot of times you have to pay so get your buddy's worth and ask those questions. Okay, okay,

Unknown Speaker 25:32
yeah. Really, creating an advocacy for yourself is super important,

Unknown Speaker 25:35
yeah, and even if it is just starting off with your church or your pediatrician, even if that's not ultimately the person that you need to be getting help from, it can be a good starting point of just saying, hey, like, I have these things going on, and I'm not really sure if that's you or, like, what I need. And I think having that community support system is super important, because even as people come to us for residential, eventually they go back to the community and still having those supports. And that connection is huge. Because, you know, in residential, it's 24/7 so you have so many people on your side, and then when you go back into the community, you still want to kind of have a sense of being wrapped in care, yes,

Zandra Polard 26:18
and so that's why you guys give that those wraparound services when they're gone. Yeah, wonderful. All right. Well, I'm loving it. You guys are welcome back anytime. Just let me know.

Unknown Speaker 26:32
Thank you so much. And Wes,

Zandra Polard 26:33
thank you for all that you do. Wes, is our audio engineer here at the station I want to thank you. Yeah, hey, I'm here every Saturday, 7:30am it's on your polar it's where I am. Is the name of the show, and we'll connect again soon. Have an awesome day. Thank you. Bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai