It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Unknown Speaker 0:43
Good morning Las Vegas. This is Dr. G, and you are listening to it's where I am on 91.5 FM, PE, u and v. I'm guest hosting for zonder pol ARD. zodra will hopefully be back on next week's show with me. And she'll be back in the studio on it's where I am full time in the month of June. I'm Dr. David JENICE, clinical and public relations director from great mind counseling and Wellness Center. And on it's where I am, I have been spotlighting different mental health programs throughout the state of Nevada. My goal is to decrease stigma for accessing mental health resources and extending a hand to ask for help when we need to. On this morning show I would like to I would like to welcome for the first time, Christina. Good morning, Christina, how are you? I'm good. How are you doing? Excellent, thank you so much for First of all, being a guest on the show. And just being you know, so willing to talk about our topic today, which I'm actually really excited about. So on today's show on, it's where I am we are going to be talking about and processing and dissecting the Battle of the inner children. And so Christina, this is only a 30 minute coffee talk show. So I'm gonna jump right in, if that's okay with you. And and, you know, I want to kind of hand this over to you. And if you can kind of introduce to our listeners, you know, this concept of the Battle of the inner child and kind of what's what's happening in your life.

Unknown Speaker 2:26
Yeah, absolutely. So recently, I've been the, you know, seeking therapy and mental health services, trying to reconnect with my estranged mom. You know, she didn't raise me and she had a lot of, you know, trauma and great experiences in her upbringing. And I did it well. And I'm realizing a lot of the difficulty that her and I have with communicating has to do with a lot of the inner children trauma that the both of us share. And a lot of times in arguments or conflicts, I find looking back afterwards that we're really mimicking the same thing we want, the same things are small little kids inside of us that have these wounds that haven't been healed, are really crying out for the same, you know, and I'm realizing that in accessibility, or maybe being scared or ashamed of accessing mental health services earlier, is something that might have stunted us from growing and being able to create the foundational relationship that we're trying to do now.

Unknown Speaker 3:38
You know, I just first applaud you for wanting to engage with mom to build a relationship with her but also to engage in accessing support to maybe help the process of you and mom engaging, move forward a little bit quicker, and hopefully in a, you know, secure and safe place where the two of you can be vulnerable with each other and, and be honest with each other and say what you need to say, so that the two of you can move forward. And so this process is unfolding. And, and the two of you are working on yourselves individually, and identifying things that are coming up that may be interfering with you and mom having good communication throughout this process. You know, what have you learned about yourself, Christina and how are you taking that now into consideration when you're working on building this newer, more positive relationship with Mom

Unknown Speaker 4:57
I think that the biggest real estate issue that I've come up with for myself is that, you know, the the work needs to be done. Now, you know, forget the shame, forget the taboo, the work has to be done. Now I have an 11 year old daughter, who I'm trying to be aware to not create any more traumas for her to stop this cycle. So that we can create humanity of you know, complete full people who aren't running around hurting each other, basically, you know, I want to make a good foundational environment for my child where she feels complete and full and loved. So she in turn, doesn't create traumas for her children, and so on and so forth.

Unknown Speaker 5:39
Well, that's a really powerful statement, Christina, I think that's a really powerful insight that you have have, that it's come up for you because, you know, what I'm hearing from you is that you are really prioritizing the emotional and mental well being for your child. And that's awesome. That's amazing. And, you know, you're working on rebuilding, fostering a healthy relationship with your biological mother. So you know, Christina, if you don't mind, can you kind of provide some context or background in regards to maybe how this estrangement came about between your mom?

Unknown Speaker 6:26
Yeah, sure. I was born in 1987. So late 80s. And games were really prevalent in the Los Angeles area, both of my parents were in a abusive relationship with each other highly addicted to drugs. And my dad actually went to prison for murder when I was two years old. And my mom made a choice to give up with me and my older brother, and have our grandmother watch us. And I think that she knew that the environment that she could provide at the time wasn't what was healthy, you know, she knew that we would be basically better off in a safer environment that wasn't with her.

Unknown Speaker 7:11
Now, now, as a young person, how did you feel about this? So? And how old were you, Christina, when this actually happened?

Unknown Speaker 7:22
So I was two when my dad went to prison, and I went to live with my grandmother, as a child, and really all the way until I had my own child. I had textbook, abandonment, resentment, and couldn't understand, you know, what was so wrong with me and how she didn't love me, you know, all of those all of those feelings. And it took for me to have my own child and look at this human that I made in my hands, and feel how heavy that responsibility was, to understand how somebody could make that choice. Right. Like, I had a lot of anger and resentment towards my mom. And I think I still do have some, even though there's some understanding. And I was angry, for a lot of my childhood, I had a lot of behavioral problems, I tried drugs myself as a teenager, and could have made some really bad choices that would have been impacting the rest of my life. And I was, I think, smart, but also very lucky that that didn't happen, you know, after I had my daughter is when it, it kind of made me have a different level of understanding for her perspective, as a mom, because I have that perspective. Now to

Unknown Speaker 8:33
now. I've had the privilege of spending some time with you, and getting to know you. And I have told you before, just how intelligent I believe you are and how insightful you are, and how committed you are to being a good mom, and, and to learning and to learning Christina, and just to evolving and improving yourself as a woman, as a mom, as a daughter, as a human being as a friend. And though I know that sometimes you have become frustrated, because you're really thinking about the needs of your daughter, and emotionally really becoming engaged in different ways. And even sometimes, I know, engaging in activities that you may be like, what this is a little uncomfortable or this is a little odd or unique, but you do with with your daughter with with the intent of teaching your daughter the skills that she needs to be successful as an adolescent and as a young woman. So can you talk about though, like where you're at developmentally as a mom supporting your daughter, and how you feel Oh, where's it been some challenges between you and your biological mom

Unknown Speaker 10:11
I mean, I think that, you know, when there's certain aspects of your childhood that you're missing, it's hard to provide that to your own child. And inlet until you do that work, right. Like, for me, the the abandonment issue has heavily prevailed in my life as a feeling of insecurity and not being good enough. I find myself sometimes having that same energy with my daughter, and it makes me stop and realize that, you know, these aren't the same wounds that I want my child to feel. I am not as good at having that perspective, when I look up to my mother, though, so it, it tends sometimes for me to be a little bit of a battle, right, because there is that small child in me that still wants to be nurtured as if I'm a kid. But my role also is to be the adult that's nurturing another child, you know, so it does get confusing and frustrating sometimes. For me, I think it's just most important that I keep i at the light at the end of the tunnel, right, the goal is to create this positive environment for my child, so she knows how that feels, and how to create that for hers. And every step that I think I'm doing is getting there closer and closer, even if it's not all the way to the 100 percentile of what I you know, I think it should be even trying to get there is growth, you know, and I'm happy, I'm happy for that.

Unknown Speaker 11:48
Well, I think just listening to you speak, Christina, that you're doing the work, you have acknowledged some things, and I believe that that alone is like 50%, you know, there. And, and as a parent, myself, and I and I speak about this very openly that none of us are perfect. And, you know, we all make mistakes, and we're all individually on our own journeys. And hopefully, you know, we can forgive each other, so that we can move forward and have other opportunities to do better. And so, you know, I kind of I can see, you know, this, this dichotomy, which may be confusing sometimes, because here you are, you know, working towards being a mindful mom. And, you know, nobody's perfect. And I and I know that you do a good job at meeting many needs of your daughter. And then you're thinking about, well, how is my identity related to being a daughter, myself? As well, as you know, are you are caretaker? Like, what are all the different roles that you're managing in relationship with your biological mother?

Unknown Speaker 13:28
Yeah, that's been hard as well, because I want to be there for her. And there's been instances where I get fulfilment by being a caretaker, which could be another day on another show, you know, needing to feel like you got to take care of someone to be valuable, but that's my mom. So it's different, right? Like, I want to be able to take care of her. But there's times where it's like, I, you know, I missed all of that for me. So, you know, it is hard sometimes, but everyday is a growth. Another day on the growth chart for me. That's

Unknown Speaker 13:58
beautiful. And and how I think about this, though, is maybe it's worth it to engage in a conversation between you and mom. Regarding boundaries, roles. I know that you and mom have attempted anyways and on I think more than one occasion to talk about boundaries within your relationship with each other. And, you know, that's probably helped a little bit to move you guys forward to where you two are today in your relationship. But I still see that struggle sometimes. And that's why we're having the show this morning. And regards to the Battle of inner children because that is really something that you are modeling are engaging in within that dynamic. And so hopefully, listeners by Christina having the strength really to go on the radio and talk about some of her life experience and what she has endured and where she's at today and what she's trying to achieve and work on her relationship with her biological mother that hopefully this information can benefit other listeners as well. So, you know, I heard the word abandonment Christina, and that really has played out what you've alluded to in your life. And I'm a little bit interested in learning more, though, in terms of how these feelings of abandonment has impacted you as a young adult and an adult woman and fostering relationships in your life.

Unknown Speaker 15:39
Oh, it's, it's, it's an extra weight to bear abandonment, and I, at least for me, and in my experience, it is directly related to self worth, how worthy I am of love or anything in that matter. And how valuable I am as a person, you know, I think as a child, and from that perspective only, you know, without considering anything else, when your parents aren't there for you, and they're still alive. You think it's about you, you know, you wonder what you did wrong, what you could have done better and what you know, what I, what's wrong with me, you know what I mean? And, as an adult, 30, go, I'm 37 years old, I can look in myself in the mirror, and I know when I say it wasn't me, you know, but at that fundamental age, when you're developing those thoughts in that awareness of life and your place in it, it takes a lot to unright that even in relationships now, you know, dealing with narcissists are settling for less, or, you know, thinking I'm only worthy of bread crumbs, or putting up with something for way longer than anybody, you know, if one of my friends dealt with that, I would say what's wrong with you, you deserve it, you know, but you don't hold yourself to that higher standard, it impacts my relationships with supervisors at my work and how valuable I think that I am it. For me, it is my sacred wound. Yeah, my parents not being there.

Unknown Speaker 17:15
Yeah, I hear, Oh, hear it, I hear it in your voice. And I see how it has impacted you. On such a fundamental level, and you have to truly believe Christina, that you are worthy of love and, and that you are worthy of more than just bread crumbs. And you deserve, you deserve to be happy, and to experience a lot more days of joy than not.

Unknown Speaker 17:48
That's what I'm working towards. That's your G that's what we're working for it? Well, and,

Unknown Speaker 17:52
you know, I think that you're a role model for your daughter. And I do believe she's always watching you, and is listening to you, and looking at you to see how you respond to daily life situations. And, you know, I tell you, that you do a great job, frequently, but, you know, you gotta believe it yourself, though. And that's really something that for behaviors to change, you know, we, we, the person that wants to change the behavior or the belief has, has to buy into, you know, what it is that's happening, what it is that you're doing, and what you're changing and, and so, you know, that's, that's something I know that you're working on.

Unknown Speaker 18:49
I'll be honest, after do some, some days, it's, it's fake it until I make it but at the end of the day, I'm more proud that I went through it. With the mindset, even if it felt uncomfortable and strange, then repeating the same old habit of being pessimistic or negative, or, you know, negative self talk, I've got a big problem with that, working on it as well. To look at myself in the mirror and say, I love you is extremely uncomfortable for me. Well,

Unknown Speaker 19:19
and and I am going to encourage you that you do that multiple times throughout each day, as uncomfortable as it is. Because, you know, research indicates anyways, that to change your behavior, we need to practice the new behavior about 3000 times before we fundamentally can show a new behavior that becomes part of our DNA. So I'm gonna encourage you Christina as hard as it is. You need to do that much more often. And you deserve it. And I know it's hard and you might get emotional when you first do it by If I promise you, you know, that's gonna take you and lead you to where you want to go.

Unknown Speaker 20:07
On the road, Dr. G,

Unknown Speaker 20:08
yeah, yeah, sometimes sometimes we just have to have a little faith, and be willing to be vulnerable to put ourselves out there, where we can experience something new and something positive, as scary as it may be.

Unknown Speaker 20:27
Yep, I'm jumping in full force. So I'm ready. I am.

Unknown Speaker 20:32
So you know, you. So with, with abandonment issues, you know, you've mentioned what has come up with you, as a result of feeling like you're not worthy, is self esteem. And, you know, like, you possess a bachelor's degree, you own a home, you know, you have a good job, I feel that you're doing a great job of parenting, your child. And yet, you still have low self esteem. You know, what, what I mean, what more what more do you think you need in order to help facilitate viewing yourself in a more positive way?

Unknown Speaker 21:23
Well, I have another theory on that, Dr. G, and it has to do with perspective, right, and our brain is a muscle, and we can work that out in one way or in another way. And whichever way we choose to work it out, it's gonna go grow stronger in that way. Right. And I think that the ability to change your perspective, is a skill that everybody should work on. Right?

Unknown Speaker 21:49
Agree.

Unknown Speaker 21:53
How you feel about your situation is your reality. You know, so I think that as long as my, my perspective is rosy, My glasses are pink, right? Everything I'm looking at, is with a positive, good intention. You know, I think that there's no choice but for me to go there.

Unknown Speaker 22:13
So I love that. And, you know, I do talk about with a lot of the adult patients that I work with, and I normalize that all of us cannot be happy 100% of the time, and that it is acceptable when we wake up in the morning, and we wake up, if you will, on the wrong side of the bed. And some instances, we may be fully aware, you know, why we're feeling the way that we're feeling? And, and others, we have no idea. And that's okay. But what I say though, and ask the question, do you want to continue feeling this way into your morning and potentially throughout your day? Or do you want to start doing the work, to feel more optimistic, to become more positive to be to feel more cheery, and it leads back to what you just shared? A Christina, perspective taking, and changing our perspective, mindset on how it is that we're feeling. And I feel that so many of us are not attuned to the thought, that we have more control in managing our feelings, then what we see individuals do I see individuals do on a daily basis. And, and the power though, associated with being able to be in control of our mood, and to control our mood is amazing. It's awesome. I mean, it's, it's, it's because it's like, I'm not gonna let other people's energy or mood or opinion on me, impact me in a manner where I crumble or feel bad about myself. And it's and it's really being able to navigate through life and life's challenges by managing how we feel about ourselves and knowing who we are as a person. And so I imagine you're teaching this skill to your daughter as well.

Unknown Speaker 24:27
I do I do, do my absolute best to give her everything that I'm learning as I'm learning it, you know, this is kind of a new leaf or a new page for me, I've been stuck in some negative behaviors for quite some time. And so I have some access to mental health services with you Dr. G. Because I just needed maybe a little guidance on the path, you know, but like, like you just said, I have all these things in a bachelor degree and that is your perspective, right? So if there's a moment where I'm feeling this way or I'm, you know, feeling down, that that perspective for me, even though on paper, it could be, you know, all the bullet points that would make any other person exceptionally happy. Because my perspective is not great, those things have no value anymore. And that and again, that's just really the perspective at that time. And I have the power to change that perspective. You

Unknown Speaker 25:24
absolutely do, Christina. And something that I want to say to you, and, you know, other listeners is to know your worth and add tax to it. And let me tell you, honey, you can add a lot of tax to your worth,

Unknown Speaker 25:42
by inflation and inflation. Oh, I couldn't

Unknown Speaker 25:45
have said it better. Thank you so much. And inflation listeners. Yeah, yeah. Because I mean, this is, this is what you're teaching and role modeling for your lovely daughter as well. And, and again, you know, Christina, everything that you do, believe me, she's watching you, she's listening to you, she's gonna pick up habits from you. And I know and I'm so proud of you, because you're doing the work to formulize in your DNA, more positive habits and skill sets in which you're going to role model and teach back to your daughter. And, and furthermore, prepare her to navigate through the world, which is very challenging. And and so you know, your daughter certainly is going to be ahead of life as a result of how you're parenting her and what you're teaching her. So I am going to encourage you pat yourself on the back girl, because you deserve it. And I'm proud of you too. And listeners, for those of you that can really relate to Christina story, I want you to know that you're not alone. And you know, there is help out there and not to feel embarrassed or ashamed to access mental health services. And that there are people there are providers out there in your communities that want to support you and help you make sense of your individual situation and move you forward in a more positive direction. So Christina, I just really want to thank you again for being on the show. I hope listeners that you've really enjoyed it. This is Dr. David jenis from great mind counseling and Wellness Center and I'm on it's where I am on 91.5k und until next time, see you then

Transcribed by https://otter.ai