It's Where I Am with Zandra Polard

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Zandra Polard 0:53
Good morning Las Vegas, it's Sandra Bullock card. It's where I am here on nine 1.5 Jazz and more. Thank you for tuning in. You know, I'm here every Saturday at 7:30am. And so we're getting our day started right? With some great information. I have a wonderful guest. But before I introduce her, one of our wonderful sponsors for this show, rd Evans enterprises. They are a supporter of it's where I am. And we just want to thank you for your continued support. Also, their information is Don at our D, Evans, E and t.com. The E and T stands for enterprises. So again, that is Don at our D Evans, e n t.com. Don is a general contractor in the Arizona area. But he also does work out here in Las Vegas. So if you have any building needs, residential, or commercial, Don Evans, at our D Evans enterprises. Now their phone number is 602-815-9991. Thanks, Don. Now, on this show in studio, we have Dr. Crab, thank you so much for coming in. Dr. Crap works here on the UNLV campus. She is the Senior psychologist for the School of Medicine. So welcome. Thank you for having me. Hey, so our studio engineer, told me about you, Wes. That's my guy. He does all my audio stuff. And yours, because Doctor crap also has a show here on 91.5. So let's start out with what you talk about on your show. Oh,

Unknown Speaker 3:07
we talk about a host of things. So can you in the let's talk UNLV is basically a show that helps students get connected to resources and get connected to each other. So we have a number of guests, from campus student and faculty and staff to discuss all the wonderful things that are available for students at UNLV.

Zandra Polard 3:24
And so when is when does your show air? Believe it's like 630

Unknown Speaker 3:28
in the morning? Okay, give me I don't know. That's a bit early.

Zandra Polard 3:33
Oh, my gosh. Okay, so where else? Can you chime in and let us know? When our show is on air? Let's talk UNLV Oh, you have to come all the way into the microphones through

Unknown Speaker 3:48
the headphones. You can't hear me at 630 Oh, I was right. Oh, Sundays at 630.

Zandra Polard 3:56
Well, thank you, Wes for coming in and let us know.

Unknown Speaker 3:58
We're also on Spotify and a lot of streaming resources. So don't feel like you have to get up at the crack of dawn to hear from us. You can definitely just tune in via podcast as well. Awesome.

Zandra Polard 4:07
And me as well. So anyhow, you are here because you love to talk about psychology.

Unknown Speaker 4:17
I do mental health all day. Yes.

Zandra Polard 4:19
So what do you tend to see with your students? How many students are in your class? How many people are you talking to per semester?

Unknown Speaker 4:28
Oh my goodness. Ah, that one's a hard one to answer. So, um, part of my job at the School of Medicine, I worked at UNLV caps, which was on this lane. The my current job is over at the shadowland campus and I'll be starting that in early July. So in terms of how many students we see a CAPS a lot.

Zandra Polard 4:48
So what's like a classroom like is there like 150 students in the classes and if 30 students in the class is intimate, is it large

Unknown Speaker 4:55
for us the way that we organize capsis We do individual appointments, we do counseling We do groups, we do workshops. Okay, so in terms of classroom and classroom visits, part of what we do is outreach is we go to classrooms, and we teach information about mental health, we teach things about suicidal awareness. So classroom sizes can vary. So I have been in the classroom of 60. I've been in a classroom of 100, I think the largest presentation that I personally have done around mental health was 750 people and that was for a conference, okay, when I did a keynote for the the National Association of College advisors, okay, I believe that there's another event that's coming up, that's going to be about 2000 people. So in terms of our audience reach, campus wise students come to see us but but as part of our outreach efforts, we also go out into the campus to meet with students to discuss things to create and present different workshops and a number of different topics we've done impostor syndrome. What

Zandra Polard 5:54
Okay, so back it up. Because I've heard this before. And I'm not quite clear on what impostor syndrome is. Can you explain that?

Unknown Speaker 6:01
So it's an interesting thing, impostor syndrome. And it's been around for a really long time, I did a presentation I think has been around for like 60s or 70s. So don't quote me on that. But it's been around for a really long time. And this idea that you don't feel like you belong, or that you deserve what you've been given this idea that you're here because of luck. Because not because of talent, you know, that you haven't really earned your place here. And impostor syndrome, actually something that everyone deals with, like a lot of people that were the Viola Davis talked about it just the other day, she said, Let's just face it, it's something that you deal with all the time, this sense of being a fraud. Even if you've received accolades, even if you've received credit, and impostor syndrome is more prevalent in certain populations, say, for example, a first gen population who hasn't had anyone as a role model to help them to navigate this system. So they don't feel like they belong? Because this isn't part of the community. They're familiar with people of color, there's this question as to whether or not impostor syndrome is a feeling or a fact, when your personal color? Is it that you don't belong? Or is it that people treat you like you don't belong, and therefore you start to believe that you don't belong. So it's this idea of feeling like a fraud. And impostor syndrome leads to things like perfectionism, you know, I can't make a mistake. And you know, perfectionism, as perfectionism is basically fear, right? You know, it's basically fair, the author of Eat, Pray, Love did a whole video on that I cannot think of her name. But she talked about that. Perfectionism is just fear and high heels and a fedora. Okay? It's a wonderful Lee, enjoy interesting way to say I'm afraid but not sound like I'm afraid, because that's really what it is, you're afraid you're gonna fall short. So you have to make sure the thing is, is just as it should be.

Zandra Polard 7:54
And then I would think anxiety will come in because you're overthinking? Oh, yeah. Yeah, anxiety, I

Unknown Speaker 7:59
think is a really big one. with college students in particular, I've seen a lot of trauma come through these doors. And it's interesting, because it's not necessarily evident. You know, all right. So you see it a lot, not just in general, because of childhood stuff. But the last few years have been particularly traumatic for the country, I see a lot of grief come through the doors. Right. You know, that's another big one that comes through the doors a lot.

Zandra Polard 8:25
Well, let's touch on grief for a little bit because, you know, grateful sneak up on you. You know, I had a few deaths in the family recently, and a cousin and I were talking about it. And we were saying how, you know, just all of a sudden, we'd have like a little mini breakdown, because we didn't deal with stuff. So how do you deal with things? So that, you know, you don't have that straw that breaks the camel's back?

Unknown Speaker 8:55
That's a wonderful question. So as we talk about grief, I don't know that we ever fully acknowledged that we are as a nation grieving. The last few years have been rough, we have lost loved ones, we've not been able to connect with the people that we matter, we have lost connection with one another. And it hasn't stopped. We know and life has just sort of gone on, like it's been normal. So I think part of dealing with grief is acknowledging that it exists. Okay, and not feeling like you have to just push through and keep going through sweep it under the rug. Yeah, you know, give yourself permission to acknowledge that you're hurting, right and recognize that this is real. Also, acknowledging that grief looks different for different people. Okay. You know, for some people grief is front loaded, like like, it comes in a hit you like a tsunami and you're just like sort of left the next week. For some people like you said, grief sneaks up on you. You don't notice the loss until these small things show up for you in your life. So grief You know, I call grief like a wave, like you're standing in front of the ocean. And you think that it's just gonna lap your toes and it knocks you down. Right? Okay? You think it's gonna knock you down? It laps your toes. Yes, you know. And the idea is not to stand firm and guard yourself against grief. The idea is to know what you need in the moment when grief shows up for you. Do you need support? Do you need time? And knowing the difference between healthy grief and unhealthy grief? Okay, so if if grief were a wound, imagine for a second someone stabbed you in your leg or in your arm. If grief were a wound, you know, in the immediacy, after the grief, it's gonna hurt. You can't get stabbed and not be like, Oh my gosh, you know, it's going to hurt. But over time, it should heal. Sure, it should heal to the point where you know that it's there. And maybe there's even a scar that you can feel. But you can walk again, it's not debilitating. Unhealthy grief is one that's that becomes infected, right? Healing is just not happening. You're crying every single day. You cannot move forward in your life because of the weight of this grief is keeping you from moving forward in your life. Oh,

Zandra Polard 11:07
that's some great analogy that makes total sense to me. Yeah. So like, for me sometimes is turning off the phone. Yeah, that's a big one. Turning off the phone and just being silent and with myself. Yeah, I think that's a good starter for me with anything, whether that be anxiety, whether that be depression, whether that be grief. You know, first let's start with everybody leave me alone. And let me think, you know, and do some some healing.

Unknown Speaker 11:38
You have entered into my favorite topic in the whole universe. Okay, the B word. Boundaries. Yes.

Zandra Polard 11:46
Oh, my God, I'm learning. Please tell us more

Unknown Speaker 11:50
boundaries are amazing boundaries, save relationships, boundaries, save lives. People like oh, well, boundaries are hard. No Boundaries are love lessons. I'm teaching you how to love me, right? By setting good boundaries with you. You know, if I can turn off my phone to grant myself peace, and you can respect that boundary, then when you call I won't be annoyed or resentful? Yes. So boundaries are important knowing which ones you need. Knowing which ones you should be enforcing and knowing that boundaries are flexible. You know, boundaries are like a house. So imagine for a moment the people in your life want to get into this house, which is boundaries, right? There are people who you might want to have security escort the man. Yeah, I don't trust you with my boundary. So you don't you need to call ahead, get the gate guard. And then there are people who might have the key to your house. Yes. Okay. Because you can trust that when they come there. They're not going to destroy your stuff, right? And then occasionally, there's that person who had the key. But then we come home, they've wrecked your house, feet up on the couch, drink all your juice. You gotta take the key back, right? Boundaries are flexible in that way. Okay? boundaries help you feel safe. And boundaries, help people know how to love you properly. Okay, so I love me some boundaries and boundaries look like not checking email on the weekend. Boundaries look like turning off the phone putting on the Do Not Disturb boundaries look like, listen, I can't talk right now. Or not taking a call in that moment, or

Zandra Polard 13:19
asking me for a ride or asking me to pick up your dinner or asking me to do your laundry, things like that.

Unknown Speaker 13:28
So here's what's so interesting about boundaries is it's not enough to set the boundary you have to hold the boundary. Yes. And that's the hard part. You have to hold the boundaries because I've like buckled. You know, it's like, I'll

Zandra Polard 13:41
put up this boundary, like, No, I'm not going to do that. And then they'll ask me like, two three more times, just to annoy me. So I'll say, okay, so if

Unknown Speaker 13:51
you think about it, like training a pet, right? The minute you lay the dog on the couch, you're gonna be fine adult enough to catch the rest of the time, right? Like the dog does. The dog is like, well, the last time right under the right circumstances, she left me on the couch. So the problem with boundaries is once we set them holding them because you set a boundary and they're gonna charge the gate. Yes, it's just gonna happen. You've set a boundary, because you're not used to it. It's like the first time you change the lock, and that person used to come into your house, and you can deduce they like, are you just not gonna let me so I'm gonna BAM on the door. Exactly. I know, you went there. You went there, right? Oh, so they're gonna charge the gate. So the key to setting a boundary is to start where what is manageable for you, okay? And so that you can hold it better and giving yourself permission to adjust it as necessary. Okay, but know that the minute you set a boundary, the people who need the boundaries are gonna come charging the gate. So

Zandra Polard 14:47
there's something else that I thought of I'd like for you to tap into, which is healthy procrastination, and just you're procrastinating. You know what I mean? Like what is the difference? It's or how can you identify? If you should not do I mean, if you should procrastinate, because it's a healthier choice. Or if you're procrastinating too much, and you're not moving forward, so

Unknown Speaker 15:16
there's a difference between procrastination and rest. Okay, you know, and I think that's that the dividing line. So the question becomes, what's the barrier? So some people the procrastination has to do with anxiety. Okay, you're frozen, you're stuck. You just don't know how to move forward. You know, for some people that procrastination has to do with just being overwhelmed. I've pushed myself so far that my body's like, Yeah, I'm not, I can't watch you right now. I cannot. I cannot. So understanding what is the barrier? What is keeping you from, like drilling back? What is the thing that's making me not do this thing right now? Because there are feelings associated with it. There's something going on underneath the procrastination, okay. And for some people, and and I'm talking to my folks with diagnoses, it's just built into your diagnoses. Like if you have ADHD or something like that procrastination is part of the challenge. Okay, because you can be hyper focused on the things that interest you, but it's harder to be interested in the things that don't. And yes, yes. So it really depends on the root cause, you know, and sometimes procrastination just means you need to take a break, do something else and come back to it. Okay, but make sure you go back, or you need to structure your time differently. Yes. You know, oftentimes, we push ourselves to the limit, and then we wonder why our bodies and brains won't go any further.

Zandra Polard 16:39
You know, there's a big difference I with talking to you, as opposed to a mental health professional that has their own practice, because you're not pushing the practice. You're pushing the lessons. Yeah, yeah. So I like that. I like that. And

Unknown Speaker 16:58
that's kind of who I am as a human. Like, I see my role in this world. And I see my calling, as helping you on your journey, not leading you on your journey, because we're walking together. And my job is just to be like, Oh, as we're walking down this path, did you see that putt over there? I want to step around it. Oh, I see. You fill in the hole. Yes, you need, you need some assistance, you want to get you up, help me get out of that hole. Because at the end of the day, clients, mental wellness matters most to me, even more so than like, I don't have to be your person. Right.

Zandra Polard 17:33
And like you said, you mentioned before the show started like I can't be your person for forever. So you need these tools to learn how and resources right mean tools, resources, to learn how to navigate things for yourself.

Unknown Speaker 17:47
My favorite quote is good mental health is a gym, not a spa. Okay? Okay, we're here to help you get strong. We're here to help you to build your mental health muscle, we're here to help you to be the best version of yourself. And sometimes it'll be great, feel great. And other times it will feel challenging, but that's what it takes to get strong. Yeah, you know, and the hope is that I can leave you with gifts that you can live your life with, independent of me. You know, I want to build into you. I want your mental health to be a lifestyle. And not an office visit. Okay, is the gist of it,

Zandra Polard 18:24
which is why Dr. Crabb will be back on the show. In the future near future, yes, yes. So there was some other things that you want to share with us. You've written a book, I have you written a book and you got another one on the way. So tell us about your books. Okay,

Unknown Speaker 18:40
so I gotta say, and this is gonna sound weird as heck. But this book was like 20 years in the making. So I entered the military into the Marine Corps when I was 17 years old, Ra 17 years. Oh, I can't fly. And, um, I think at that stage, you know, I went through the process, and I think I believe that the Marine Corps was instrumental in who I am. And when I left the military, I left after my first tour, I left after Desert Storm. I was like, You know what? And I was in a class and I wrote this piece for the class and professor said, Have you ever considered writing a book? Wow. And I was like, Huh, okay, maybe someday. So in the process, I had been pulling together a story. And the purpose of the story was just to have a female marine story told, okay, there were very few stories about women back then there were even less about when the Marines and and all of our stories seem to come from a deficit model. You know, I wanted someone to get a clearer understanding of what life was like in the military. So fast forward, a kazillion years later, with some prompting and encouragement for my bestie and my husband, I decided to go ahead and publish the book is called Living the dream. Okay. A military coming of age story by Tanya crab. And the book itself is about a girl, a woman who enlist in the military because she's running away, as a lot of people in the military do because they're running away from something. So she basically runs away to the military. And surprisingly, he finds love, she finds family, she finds community. She's happy, you know, for the first time in her life, she's genuinely happy. And then her unit gets deployed to combat. And that's when everything changes. And that's when she learns about her own strengths. She learns about the strength of the other women in her unit. And they have to bond together to sort of survive this encounter. Okay. And along the way, there's significant traumatic things that happened to them. It's, it's my favorite book. I it's it was of course, I wrote it. So. But the reason that I love the book is because it's it's unconventional. And then the thing that I love most about the book, is that when I did share it with other women, Marines, they felt seen, okay, they could relate. Yeah, they were like this. This is my story. I wanted to honor military woman I want

Zandra Polard 21:10
because there's a lot of sexual trauma in the military. Yeah, a

Unknown Speaker 21:14
lot of just trauma in general, the idea of being visible and invisible is something that military women deal with all the time.

Zandra Polard 21:21
And even before deployment, there are a lot of issues, you know, so yeah, that's awesome. Now you have another book on the way hmm, tell us about that one.

Unknown Speaker 21:30
So my second book that's on the way is about as a follow up to the first story. So you meet in the first story, you meet several characters. And one of the characters is Tiffany Addison, and you learn in that story that Tiffany Addison joined the military because she was escaping her ankle. Okay, something had happened in her past. And she was angry, well, did she want to fight it out in the military, or, Oh, she was angry at men, she was angry at life, and it shows, okay, and it shows them the character that she is she has given up the idea that there is any good and people lived in a good man, she's just going through it, and the military is actually a perfect place for her. Because she has an opportunity to use to sort of put her anger to work, okay, you know, in devoting herself to be a strong Marine. And just basically dismissing the idea of loving anyone. In fact, the worst thing you can do to tell her is Tell her you love her, and that that'll end any relationship going forward. Oh, so she's the anti female, okay, that we have grown to see. And she's not interested in romance. She's not interested in anything but a quick hookup love Mulleavy them, Liz hit it and quit it. That is her whole story. But you find out that behind all of that is the tragedy in the trauma that brought her into the military. Okay, you get to learn a little bit about her family situation, you get to learn a little bit about her. And you see how her encounter with these other women also helps her to grow. And to become a different person.

Zandra Polard 22:56
We are a wonderful species, I must say, you know, because we come together, and we can really just change and make things happen. I

Unknown Speaker 23:05
love us. I love I love us. There's beauty and strength and womanhood, and I love our capacity to grow and to change. And to become I love us.

Zandra Polard 23:15
Yes, absolutely. So now I know there was something else that you wanted to share with us, you brought a couple of things. Yes, we have a book and we have, I don't know if it's a card game, or what is that.

Unknown Speaker 23:28
So anyone who knows me will tell you that I am the resource queen. I will give you websites, I will give you books, I will give you cards, I will give you anything that I think can help with your growth. So some things that I've discovered on my own journey. One of them is this idea that rest is not a reward. It's a requirement. You don't have to earn it. You are a divine being who deserves it. And it's not so you can fill your cup and keep on going. That's not the purpose of rest rest isn't so that you can give more of you away.

Zandra Polard 24:00
Oh, okay. Well explain to me, because I thought I'm supposed to read so I can just do a whole bunch of stuff.

Unknown Speaker 24:07
No, again, no, we are not, we are not the sum of our work. And the book that goes with this particular rest app is called on breathless resistance a manifesto. Okay. And it talks about rest through the lens of culture. And it talks about lens to the rest lens of black culture. And one of the things you said that really stuck with me it says I'm taking the rest of my ancestors couldn't. Okay. And this idea that for a lot of us, our worth has been wrapped up in our work. You know, who am I? If I'm not making $1 I read something one time that said that when I was younger, I was driven by letters and when I became older, I was driven by numbers. Oh, wow. Yeah. So this idea that we are we are more than work we are divine human beings who deserve to rest because we exist, not because we put out good work for the day. So I read the book, and then I picked up The rest deck. I love this thing so much. So what I do is I've been taking this to my office and I hand it to people and I was like pull a card. Okay? Card, pull any cards you want. Okay, I am and see which one speaks to your soul. And then I want you to read the front and the back. Okay?

Zandra Polard 25:19
I am magical and divine. Oh, not as right. So on the back, it says, you are exhausted physically and spiritually because the pace created by the system is for machines, and not a magical and divine human being. Wow. And then it goes on to say, your body has information to share with you. But you must slow down to receive it that there is power and knowing you are enough right now. And always. Wow, this is wonderful. I would love to pull a card every

Unknown Speaker 25:56
day. I do I pull one every morning and I pull one every evening to remind me that I actually bought this on Amazon. Okay, and everything's on Amazon. She does well, the

Zandra Polard 26:06
podcast is on Amazon, too. It's where I am with Zondra is on Amazon podcast.

Unknown Speaker 26:12
I love I think sometimes our souls need reminding Sure. of who we are. You know, I the joke that I do in therapy is I tell them in my Mufasa voice remember who you are. Yes, that's that's the deal in life is Who who are you? Not who people told you. You are not who Society said you're meant to be. But who are you? What, what speaks to your soul? What brings you joy? And when was the last time you visited those parts of self? Okay, you know, so, and this one I ran across as well. It's called, I just love the title title. Yeah, edge control for the so I love this title. And it's a series of series of poems that I really like. And they're poems that are called things like the root curl, shine, good hair, hot comb, okay. And it's this author's version of her growth. Through her understanding of her loves and her losses. There's, I really do love the one on the back. She said shrinkage, my curl shrink, I do not. I will not shrink into the box that you have conveniently crafted for me. I will not shrink my vision because you cannot see me. I will not become smaller than who I am. What I am to please or placate some man, I will not slink around with my head hung low. You may not be aware of my work, but trust that I know. I will not bury my dreams. I will only plant seeds. And I will grow with them wild and free. I cannot hide my gifts to make anyone else more comfortable while I could. But I can't. And I won't. I will forever fuse because I choose to. After all my curls shrink. I do not.

Zandra Polard 28:05
Wow. That is called edge control for the soul. And I want to thank Dr. Crab for coming onto the show. She will be back. I'm Zondra polearm. It's where I am. You know I'm here every Saturday at 7:30am. You know you can find me also on Apple, Spotify, Google and Amazon podcast platforms, and also my website. It's where I am.com want to give another special shout out rd Evans Enterprises for your continued support. Thank you. See you next time. Bye

Transcribed by https://otter.ai